I feel like screaming out loud
Punching a punching bag
Like a fighter
My mind is claustrophobic
With a million unexpected thoughts
I find myself overthinking
Going over our conversations
Like a song on repeat
This is really hard
When I am drawn to your personality
Wishing I could find the courage to tell you the truth
WishingBut at what cost??
Losing something I’ve always wanted
Like my favorite toy that I have always wished for every Christmas
Feeling like you’ve got me wrapped around your fingers
I can’t help it
Feeling like melting butter in your hands
I wish I knew what happened before me
Hoping for the day you would be vulnerable with me
That you would let down your walls
Surrounding yourself with rubbles of pain
Allowing me to help you
Getting through your doubts and fears together
You’ve made your mistakes
Choosing the amazing flawed soul that you are
So you won’t feel like I am going judge you
Thoughts of buried feelings
Putting things on mute until further notice
Showing you how much I truly care about you
Wishing you could do the same for me
When my thoughts become so dark that it’s hard to deal with sometimes
I’m tempted to text you
Telling you that I need you
But I put your happiness first
And feel the tears rolling down my face
Crying myself to sleep
Feeling safe within the four walls
Where no one would know of my existence in your world besides your best friend
I’ve got strong walls covering my heart
Spending time with you is really hard
As I tried by all means to avoid replaying the entire moment in my hand
Wanting so badly to feel safe around you
Covering my feelings with masks where you won’t I’m hurting
Maybe you don’t feel the same way I do
I know that I’m not the type of girl that you’d be seen with
Thinking that I might ruin the reputation that you have built for yourself
Keeping me in the distance away from the public
Rewinding to how I was once someone’s secret
I’m not ready to lose myself again
Just until I can suppress these unspoken emotions
Knowing that you might break my heart
Trying to detach myself from you
But it’s hard when you’ve created a place of your own in my life
Thoughts They Would Not Understand…
Her mind is screaming loudly
She wishes she could ignore the dark thoughts in her head
But her worries get the better of her
Waking up tears rolling down her face
She’s beginning just feel really lonely
Being in a room full people
Feeling completely comfortable being on mute
Wishing she could go on do not disturb mode until everything is calm
This feels like a storm
And all I’m seeing is razor blade and darkness
Feeling
Staring at the reflection in the mirror
She struggle to accept herself
Hating how people stared at her
Wishing they knew what was going on in her head
Body filled with scars and bruises
They went away
But remained internally
Emotionally they were visible
But no one could see through the mask that she wore to well
Hoping that it would get better
All she wanted to be alone with her thoughts
Seeing it was easy for them to point her wrongs
Drowning in her heart in a bunch of songs
But they kept on putting pressure on her to be what they wanted her to be
Shifting the blame for her internal behavior to an innocent soul
Cutting herself emotionally
Each cut became less painful for her
Glass eyed girl
The cracks were showing all to well her guard held up high
An addict to the pain
Happiness became luxury
She thought it was unaffordable
My Deepest Fear Of Needing You During My Darkest Days
I wish I could need you
Like you need me
That I could let down my walls
And be completely vulnerable in front of you
That I could tell you everything that I’m feeling
Or that is going on in my head
And you wouldn’t see me as weird
Or make things awkward
Most days thoughts are louder than my voice
Waking up tears rolling down my face
The mask that I wore for a long time just feel off
Broken glasses on the floor
Bleeding unstoppable hand cuts visible
Fixing all the broken pieces on the floor
I tried by all means to find my center of peace
Trying by all means to trust you
But it hurts to much
As I think back to everything that happened in the past
I’m holding myself back
Wanting so badly to shatter the walls with you
But I don’t know if you would see me the same way
My deepest fear is losing you
Feelings placed in the back burner
Sheltering our friendship with every thing that I have
You’re a dream come true
I’m not ready to lose inspiration as yet
My sunshine during the dark days
I’ve always wanted to be in your presence
For a while I feel safe
Not expecting anything
But real moments that don’t come everyday
I wish I could express everything I feel for you
But I feel words are not enough to describe how honored I am to have you
Eyes looking deeply into my soul
Incredible artwork is all I see in you
Gratitude filling my heart up
Amazing soul in the distance is all I see…
Thee Unexpected Fall…
We started off as strangers
Got to know each other better
And every day became a learning curve
As I learned to go with the flow
Choosing to trust you with my heart
You decide to shoot your shot
And the ball went in through the hoop
I was yours
Wanting so badly to be in your presence
And see if the chemistry is there
Declaring how you feel
Thinking that every word is genuine
And true
You made me smile
And made me cry
You numb my pain and my sorrows
For a while I escaped into a world where you and I are alone
The center of everything I do
With my scars I thought I was enough to make you smile
I never felt alone
After you proved my doubts wrong
And made believe that you were going to stay
I thought that you had my back
And that I would not go through this process alone
In an empty room
My eyes were blindfolded
Seeing nothing
But darkness
As I felt your mouth touching my ear
And your warm breath in my ear
Whispering sweet things into my ear
I didn’t know that they were empty promises
Thinking that you were next to me
I called out your name
But I felt my echo bounce back at me
Pulling the blindfold off
I found myself at a cross road
Choosing you
But you pulled the rug from right under
I fell face first
Hitting my head on the ground
My eye sight became hazey
Your eyes never stopped wondering around
When I needed you the most
You were never there
Seeing less of you
I knew you were never meant to be mine
But I never stopped believing in you
Hoping that you would return
But I was just the blindfolded cover girl…
Naked
White sheets and fresh flowers
Laying my body on yours
I wish I could read your mind
Like a blank canvas
It’s hard to interpret what I see
You have become my safety net
I would put myself on the line to protect what we share
A soul that spoke to mine
Thinking about how much I truly appreciate you
Like a shooting star
You’re a rare work of art
I’m clothed up
My soul is covered
And my scared heart is hidden from the world
Wearing a million little pieces
I’m shielded from you
You see me in the distance
In your eyes I was just okay
To your heart I’m mind blowing
But I doubt that you’ll ever admit that
We got along like a house on fire
I enjoyed your company
Yearning for the truth
For the facts that others failed to give me
I felt alone and not good enough
Your eyes are filled with truth
Staring into my soul
I feel like I cannot hide anything from you
Being completely open about everything
I cross my fingers that my flaws doesn’t make you leave
Eyes closed tightly
I’ve haven’t seen the light in a while
Chest getting tired
Losing my breath
Feeling like I am my ability to breathe hasn’t been easy
My soul has been left empty
The mind turned off
Feeling your skin on my skin
The old wounds are put at ease
But my guard won’t fall down so easily
Staring at this road
I don’t think I ever got over the fact that I was left alone
Blindfold, I couldn’t see where I’m going to
Or where I am
Surrounded by silence
Clearly no one is there
Innocent soul in the mirror
You ripped the plasters off
I needed to accept the unspoken truth
Damaged Goods
I’m mess
Scared and broken
This walls are getting stronger than before
Like a guitar
I have broken strings
Even when you want to play me
And rock me to your sleep
I won’t sound the same way
Don’t try to tune me
I won’t work anymore
Running out of musical sounds
The bass doesn’t sound like used
Thinking about the days
Where I was brand new
Beautiful and flawless
Strings still works perfectly beautiful
Bring smiles to the souls that entered my life
Thinking about the day I saw you
And feeling fully self assured
My scars where hidden from your eyes
Reliant that this year won’t be same song repeat
Trying to find the musical note to knock you off your socks
But your face is really had to read
Wondering if I get your approval
Getting to go home with you
Battered from one soul to the other
Everyone with one intention
I don’t think I can handle it anymore
Glass eyes in the mirror
Wishing you could read the story
Reading between the lines
Maybe you would understand my tuner is broken
Deepest fear is being in the corner to catch dust
Going into the dark closet
Not being able to see the light hitting my face
My heart is on your chest
Seeing tears running down your face
I’m not sure if you saw the hidden secret
But the look on your face is hard to read
Yearning to feel your arms around me
I wish the feeling could be permanent
Like a new sticker on my skin
Hoping that you won’t forget me
Autumn Love
Red, Gold and Brown
Are the colors that surround us
Waking up next to an empty space
I’m drawn to the color that gets my attention
The sky is grey
And the blankets feel so warm
Like your arms wrapped around me
Wishing you were here
To enjoy the view that is outside my window
Gazing outside my window
My heart yearns to hear your voice again
Laughing in my ear as I make silly jokes to cheer you up when you have a bad day
I wish we could be like trees
Shed our old beautiful leaves
Like the old pain that we hold on to
Treating it like the walls that protect our hearts
As much our bodies are like old homes
Scared to try again
There’s no point in hurting ourselves again
Thinking about the days where I’d cry myself to sleep
Most days I would wear a mask
Hoping that it would show that I’m hurting
Wishing I could give you the reassurance that would be enough for your heart
Needing to curl up next to you
Wishing I could see your smile
Pulling your pillow close my chest
I’m surrounded by your fragrance
Beautiful yellow, orange and red leaves falling on the ground
I hope that I could see you through the leaves
Seeing you smile from one ear to the other ear
I yearn for the moments where you vulnerable
Breaking down the walls that have become a apart of you
Ripping the plaster of your skin
Making space to for disappointment
We’ll deal with rubble that is left behind the storm
Strongest soul in the mirror
Needing you to just be you
Not On Mute Anymore…
I’m flawed
Standing right here in front of you
All I can be honest
This shit is hard
And I can’t bury my feelings anymore
On the road of self growth
I realized that I cannot lie to the eyes that left me completely weak
The problem is me
Feeling the tension is real
I can’t place it on mute
Everything that I feel for you is genuine
I don’t want you to take the blame for other people’s mistakes
Needing to love myself first
Feeling that the green monster might get the better of me
All I can do is accept my mistakes
I don’t want lose you
Knowing very well that I can survive without you
But truth be told I don’t want to live without you
Dealing with unexpected punches
And a disquiet knockouts
Feeling the rain upon my skin
I felt like tapping out at times
Your smile has been my muse
My hands are burning up
The arms are getting weaker by the minute
I’m beginning to feel really anxious
Wondering if I made the right choice by doing this
Words of encouragement has been the reason why I held on for so long
Getting through the storms trying by all means to find the rainbow with the pot of happiness
But realizing that I need find it within myself first
Swallowing this big girl pill
I decided to make peace with the things I could no longer change
But the wounds still remained open
My guard went up
Feeling like the glass has been broken enough to try and fix
Thinking about the days where I was told be silent
Putting everything that I felt in the back burner of it all
Choosing to be puppet
And being controlled like car
With bleeding cuts on my hands
I don’t think I’ve got any strength left to fight for someone who could possibly hurt me
Fearing for the worst
I couldn’t put myself on mute anymore
Things That I Want From You But I Know That I Can’t Give You…
You look like dream
Staring at you from distance
Covered in sweat
My body is on fire
The mind is racing a hundred miles an hour
I can’t deny what I am feeling for you
Staring into your eyes
I feel myself wanting you
A few hours is just not enough to fulfill my soul
Laying my body on yours
My lips pressed gently against yours
Feeling the warmth of your breath down my throat
I’m melting like butter in your hands
Eyes closed tightly
Thinking about all the things that I want to do
Being in the same room with you
I can feel the windows getting misty by our breaths
Being touched by you feels like a unexpected burning sensation
I don’t want you to stop
Laying on the bed
With my back against the sheets
My cold feet placed gently on your abs
I can feel them warm up with your body heat
My mind blown away
Kissing every part of my body
I can’t help but let out a moan at the back of my mouth
Seeing you smile
Your mouth found mine
I wrapped myself around your waist
Wanting more of you
Putting my arms around your neck
Kissing you with so much passion and fire
I don’t want you let go of me just yet
Biting my bottom lip knowing that I’m turned on
I flip you over
And I was top of you again
Hearing my heartbeat so fast
Stopping for a while
My eyes closed tightly
I can feel myself wanting more of you
Tears rolling down my face
Reality hitting me harder than expected
I know I can’t walk away and forget about everything that I feel for you
Punching this bag harder than before trying to release my pain and disappointment
But I know it’s going hard seeing you with someone else
Knowing that I wanted more than just your body
I’m just better off in the crowd cheering for you from the sidelines
My Truth To Self Growth…
I wish I could tell you the truth
The unspoken truth
I have trust issues
And a sacred heart
I’m always kind and respectful
But I’m not that strong to protect my sanity
They said I love you
And I believe them
They told me a bunch of empty words
And it messed me up
I believe in the lies that they told me
Cause I thought their intentions were true
Putting my sacred heart on the line
I never stopped believing in love
Loving you from the distance
My prayer is that God would save you for me
Being in the ring
I found myself fighting against my fears
Using my arms to protect my heart from getting more scars
An unexpected knock
I found myself on the ground
Eye swollen up
And my nose bleeding
A cut on my lip
I lost a battle that I was so confident about winning
That I thought that I would get the belt
Staring at the crown
I learnt to love my flaws
Getting to know myself even more
I had clear my eyes from this clouded judgment that I was filled with
Being realistic with myself
Choosing to be true
I am queen
The soul on the pedestal
You became my inspiration
I couldn’t give up on myself
Lifting me up
I was able to dust myself off
And continue fighting the this battle that help better my growth
