To Hold But Not To Keep…

She’s my distant dream
But she has never been mine to keep
A beautiful girl that lives in my dreams
Speaking to my soul in a way that no one could ever understand
Her flaws are something that she hates
But in my eyes she’s perfect
Hiding behind the steel walls protecting her heart
Yearning to see the beauty within her brokeness
Wishing that she would just let go
And let me in
Spending every single waking minute thinking about her
Her name became my favorite word
Every time that she’s in front of me
I genuinely feel like she is only one who knows me better than I know myself
Constantly being in the ring
Getting beaten up by the past
I found myself Knockout
But my heart is screaming her name
I find myself thinking about my unspoken dreams that include her
Taking a journey on self care
She is my last wish
Longing to handle her with so much care
My heart chooses her now and always
Making my intentions clear from day one
Finding myself on the court
Aiming for the net
I found myself reaching out to shoot my shot
But the ball never went through
Taking things completely slowly
Giving her time to love me
Revealing my imperfections
I want her to see that I wasn’t aiming for exterior
But I fell in love with the interior
A strong person in front of her
But I know that within the four walls my thoughts are really loud
My mind rewinds to the time that I spent with her
When she was in my arms
Hearing her laugh at my silliness
Feeling her hand enclosed over mine
I wanted this to last for a lifetime
Finding comfort in the memories and the moments we shared together
She’s been distant for a few days
A moment of putting my heart on the line
I watched her walk away in the arms of her dreams
It ripped me apart
The tide has turned
And I felt like the universe read my darkest fears
And brought it to life
Unexpectedly the cycle continues once again
Questioning myself
I found myself drowning in the bottle of sorrows
She turned into a quiet soul
I needed her
But it hit me hard that she’s mine only in my dreams

Final Goodbye

I begin to think about everything that happened between us
My mind replays all the memories like a movie
Each moment had its own scenery
All the good times and the bad times with all the main characters and extras
Everything seems like a dream, it didn’t feel real
As I see you standing there in a classic black suit with a black tie and a big white smile on your face to complete the look
I sit there on a white chair
Surrounded by all their friends and family
The air filled with love and happiness
They’re big day finally arrived!
As the two little girls walk down the isle throwing rose pedals on the floor
And the two little boys dressed up looking like mini grooms
Carrying the rings on a pillow
Tears begin to roll down my face
As my heart came crashing down into my stomach like a crashing plane
People begin to standing on their feet
I turned my head and saw the beautiful lady the stole your heart
The lady that took my place in your heart
Facebeat on point and a dress that illustrates her beautiful figure with a beautiful smile on her face
Looking beautiful and gorgeous as ever
Walking down the aisle with her dad by her side to say her vows to you and the rest of y’all friends and family
I sit there with high hopes that you’ll look up and see me
And the love that shared will come back like unexpected rain
But it seems like I got my hopes up for nothing
As the priest says “You may kiss the bride”
And I watch you lift her veil
My heart just seems crash even further causing excruciating pain
Turning my head to the side
Seeing the big smile on your mother’s face
The smile on your face becomes confirmation that what we had doesn’t exist anymore
Closing the chapter of this part of my life, I try to come to terms with everything that happened
But I couldn’t do it
Taking the pain of seeing you with another woman that isn’t me make you happy
Rewinding to my last words to you
“I hope you find better happiness than what I could give you”
I feel like a knife is being inserted into my heart
As my last words to you knock my heart out like a light
I then decide to walk away
You look up
Hoping to see me
Seeking that validation that we’re okay
But all you saw is an empty white chair with no one there
No long message left for you
But a sad and painful farewell

Her Deepest Secret…

An unfamiliar voice asked her if she trusts him
Eyes closed tightly
Her mind starts down the road 100 kilometers /o/hour
As she get these unexpected flashbacks
Hiding behind the walls that shield her from the world
She didn’t want him to see her
Negative thoughts in her head
She always saw her herself as a disgusting lonely girl
In her eyes he is a perfect picture
But just not enough
A soul that is completely out of this world
And a soul that is on her pedestal
Hoping that in due time he would choose her
Hearing echoes of sweet nothings of the past travel from one ear to the other ear
Yearning to find some sort of affection
But it created some bad intentions
Constantly being in the ring
Fighting for something that turned out to be wasted take
But it felt like being on a roller-coaster ride
As her heart turned into a joke
With big thick red hair
White powder is mask hiding all this ugly marks
Lips are red hiding all the rough edges that people cannot stand to look at
Fully clothed in big clothes
And her feet started drowning in these oversized shoes
She could hear them all laughing at her
Choosing to hold on
She found herself in the ring fighting against the fears
Losing the unexpected battle
Feeling like an object she found herself used and then thrown away
Staring at the sky
Gazing at the shooting star
Wishing that she could have been enough
An unexpected tell all surprise from the past
Hearing the unspoken truth
Wishing that they a opportunity to unwrap this forbidden gift
Sucking all the trust
Brushing it off, it became a loud no
Getting off the sickening roller-coaster ride
She felt completely empty
Hiding behind the high walls
There is small hole that opens up the view of the world
A yellow bright light from a distance
It caught her attention
Gazing at it so hard wishing that she knew what it is
It is the beautiful soul with no identification
Body completely flat on the ground
She does not want to be seen yet
Hiding herself from the world
Sleepless nights and long days becomes her new normal
Building herself up again
Dreaming about the day that she finally faces her fears
Feeling the light of the sun on her skin
As she finally finds the courage to face her fears
Walking up to the this unknown soul
A beautiful wide smile taking her breath away
He looked like a dream
Aiming for the stars
Shooting her shot
But the the ball never went through the net
Feeling let down
She never stopped hoping that maybe someday things will workout
Fingers crossed
She went back again
Feeling her heart falling to the ground
Gazing into the eyes of his dreams
Noticing that everything has changed
She closes herself up again
Finding comfort in the darkness
She feels like a fool
Hearing the past laughing loudly in her head
She begins screaming her lungs out
Wishing that she disappear for a good
She feels him fading away slowly
Holding on tightly
Memories of why she held on to the dream start coming up
Tears rolling down her face
The unspoken dream disappeared

Untitled Poem…

He asked if she trust him???
Her mind rewinds to where it all started
A marvelous soul like no other
She’s hooked
Completely focused on him and nothing else
Locking eyes with from a distance
But she knows it’s all too good to be true
Silencing her doubts
She spends a lot of time with him
Everything seems to be beautiful
Fingers crossed behind her back
Hoping that take the hardest knock
But the voices in her head start to become much louder
Her fears are much more stronger
Gazing at the signs like a movie that she has watched one to many times
Tempted to ask for a box of reassurances
But she’s afraid that she might get the cold shoulder
Thinking that maybe he might walk away like they all did
Breaking her heart into a million little pieces
She wishes that she could live her worst nightmare all over again
Trying to hide everything that she’s feeling
But the tears just start falling with any control down her face
Trying to open herself up
Being this defenceless soul that she thought he needed
As the eyes start wondering around
Something got his attention and it’s not her
Fixed her started tearing up slowly
As the cracks of the past started revealing itself
She started feeling all the emotions that she thought is buried
Staring at her reflection in the mirror
A million questions start showing up once again
Realizing that he is not hers to keep
Screaming from the top of her lungs
But her echo bounced back at the reflection
Breaking the mirror into a million little faces
Staring at the bottle of gin
Drowning her unhappiness in the glass
But it’s too small to numb her feelings
She chucks the whole bottle down her throat
Seeing his face in the distance
Searching for the strength to get up
Walking like she’s about to fall over
She tries grabbing it but it’s the air
Her eyes rolling up to her head
She starts losing her balance
Falling to the ground
She took her hardest knock on the head

Her Unspoken Entreat…

She’s always seen him from a far
In her eyes he’s a flawless soul
Staring at him from a distance
He seems like a amazing person
One of the good hunks
Thick black eyebrows
With one of the most beautiful eyes
Golden brown skin got her drooling
With a perfect smile that knocks her off feet
She can’t help but stare
Hiding behind the walls of her castle
She doesn’t want him to see her
Knowing that she might not be enough for him
A faultless soul in her eyes
Her mind snaps a picture of this beautiful piece of God’s artwork
Yearning to spend a day in his presence
Feeling drawn to his soul
She feels like he is pulling her in
An unknown soul turned into a handsome mysterious soul
Gazing at the high ceiling
The perfect picture is printed on the brown broad
Laying on her side on the big bed
She stares at the empty side
Wishing he could have been there
Holding on the pillow
Wondering how would it feel to be in his arms
Wanting to be the one that makes him smile
Being the reason behind his happiness
A putto sitting on the headboard of her bed
With a bow in her hand and an arrow in her hand
He became her first thought when the sun rises
A smile is created on her face
Staring at empty road
All she wants to see is him
Crossing her fingers to see him once again
With a perfect smile that practically knocked out
She wonders if he is not a figure of her imagination
Thinking about how would things go if she had an opportunity to meet him
Rehearsing everything she wants to tell him in her head
Hoping that she doesn’t put her foot in her mouth
Saying something really stupid
Causing things to be awkward
Hoping that her weirdness doesn’t turn him off
Finding the right words to shoot her shot
Leaving her heart open for incase she scores
Staring at her reflection
She gets an uncomfortable feeling around her body
Facing the reality that she might not be enough
Maybe it’s just hopeless trying
He’s not hers to keep
But the image of him never faded away from her conscious
Overthinking that might be someone else’s firebomb
Hitting her body on the ground
She begins balling her eyes out
Facing the her unexpected reality that she might not be enough

Masterpiece In Progress…

She wish she could just be normal
Wear her heart on her chest
Instead of it being on her sleeve
Quit analyzing, overthinking and contemplating whether it’s good decision or not
Taking a leap of faith
Jumping from the edge with no safety cables or any safety equipment to protect her
Wanting so badly to hide her feelings
Pressing mute for a while
Acting like it doesn’t hurt
Choosing not to reach for bandages for every open wound
Walk away without fighting
Cut the cord without thinking so hard about it
Believing more in actions
Instead of taking words and running with it
Words that turned into empty promises
Empty promises that feel like loud tins
Wishing she could drown her sorrows in the punching bag
Striking it from every single angle
She feels like she’s in a ring
But it seems to attack her back
With her guard up
She feels like it’s the only way to protect herself from getting hurt
Forcing her to be a shift shaper
Being manipulated into being something she’s not
A happy soul on the outside
But deep inside she is a sad soul
Finding comfort in the arms of night
When the moon comes out to play
Her mind traveling down the highway to happy place that she hopes for
She’s found herself being a people pleaser
Having her kindness taken for weakness
The walls surrounding her heart are getting stronger by the minute
But inside the four walls it broke her apart
Choosing the title of being pretty
Over beautiful
Wearing the sash of last place with the confidence
Taking her position on the podium
But inside the four walls it broke her apart
Living a life when she’s handing in her dreams in a pawn shop
Settling for last place once again
Eyes closed tightly
Her mind replays her scariest memory
Laying on that hospital bed
Her soul feels empty
Fighting for her life
She could hear the flatline of the heart machine making a noise
Tears rolling down her face
Thinking that life would much easier without her
A war that feels like an unexpected hurricane
Sweeping away everything that feels normal to her
Taking accountability for her actions
Staring at the sky and it was blue again
But looking around at the place she onced called home and there was nothing left
Besides the rubble of everything that was normal to her
Looking at the mess around her
It feels like bunch of complicated puzzle pieces
Turning them around and around
It became a slow progress
An indecisive soul staring at the road ahead she chooses her own dreams
Muting everyone’s negative opinions

Hypnotized

Maybe I have not found the right words to say sorry.
Maybe I’ve hurt and disappointed you too much that right now all you want is to be alone.
Maybe you couldn’t really wait for me to decide whether I want you or not.
Hiding behind the walls that protect you from the world
Thinking it would safe if you remain there
Replaying every conversation in my head
Wondering if I did anything wrong to bring so much uncertainty into our space
Memories of the last time we had a moment alone
And the image of the disappointment on your face begin breaking my heart
As I continue beating myself up for something that I know I still think about
Seconds turn into minutes
Minutes turn into hours
Hours turn into days
Days turn into weeks
Feeling like I’m in the ring fighting for you and everything else that means so much to me
And I try my best to mute everything that I’m feeling
Escaping these four walls
Traveling to another place where I’m surrounded by nature
Thinking that the thoughts about you would stop
But that is it
You’re my first thought when the sun rises
And the my last thought when the moon and the stars are out
Wrapped up in warm blankets
Wishing it was your arms keeping me warm
Hiding behind the smile
I’m just not ready to admit that I’m not okay with the fact we’re not okay
Walking around with so much hope in my heart that I’ll see you again
Staring out the window
I wish I could see my light and shining armour.
My sunshine
Trying by all means find the courage to come over and tell you how much I still want you
Breaking myself down to the core
Staring at my flaws
My mind rewinds to my dark days
Thinking about how I used to stare at you from a distance
Admiring your soul and the person that you are
Wondering if you’re real or maybe I’m dreaming
Looking up into the sky
Trying to find the shooting star
There’s nothing there
Out of the four walls
My heart starts searching for you
For some kind of sign
And I saw it again
Incredible soul from a distance
Eyes closed tightly
My mind traveling down the highway at 120 kilometers per hour
To a world where only you and I existed
Protecting you with everything that I have
I found myself in the boxing ring
Keeping you in my heart
You became a secret mystery man
With no identification
I found myself calling the a beautiful unknown soul
A mysterious soul from a distance
Finding myself again
I hide behind the four walls
Protecting myself from old wounds opening
A perfect artwork
I found myself falling into the forbidden ocean
My legs have given in
Heart stops for a while and I realize that maybe I’m not perfect soul

The Mistake On Repeat…

In the mist of the pain
She thought she held it all together
But that became her weakness
A broken guitar with a broken strings
The tune isn’t the same anymore
Whispering sweet nothingness into her ears
Falling for each line hook line and sinker
She’s falling into the forbidden ocean
A box of kindness turns into a moment weakness
Her deepest fear is losing her innocence
Losing her soul that she holds close to her heart
Staring at him from a distance
Through the window of a room filled with darkness and pain
Her dark thoughts are on blust mode
Slowly turning into a raging volcano attacking herself
Reciting dark thoughts in her head
The words turned into small little seeds
An ability to shut it down turns into her weakness
Slowly feeling like a failure
Gazing at this beautiful woman that stands in front of him
Jealousy turns into the monster with sharp horns
Sharp canines sticking out on the side
Her beautiful soft skin turns into this rough patches
A brain replays her darkest moments
Thinking about the day that she settled for last place
Constantly trying to make others feel happy
Saying no to the things that she wants
Wishing that she could held on the pedestal
Gaining the medal and getting the validation that she’s always wanted
She finds herself turning into the shape-shifter
Putting everything and everyone else before herself
The emotional scars turn into a unseen wounds
A coffin
Buried six-foot under
She thought she is over it
A reality that she’s not enough starts kicking in
Facing the world outside her comfort zone
Choosing life outside the four walls
Every single year of happiness turns into a lesson learned
Another take thrown into the thrash bin
He’s last works start sinking in
The tree starts growing slowly, the more she watered it
Her skies are grey
Filled with lighting and rainfall
Holding on to everything and everyone
Broken pieces of glass on the floor
Smashed wood on the floor
Her surroundings are filled with dark holes
The silent fear is the aftermath of the storm

Him…

A beautiful rare artwork
In her eyes, a mystery work of art
A one of a kind shooting
She yearns to be like
Staring at this rare work of art
Her entire attention is on him
The soul on the pedestal
In her room filled with people cheering him on behind the microphone
Hearing him speak his version of the truth
Breaking down his words
The crowd goes really crazy
Cheering and applauding the man on the spotlight
He is vulnerable with his soul
Sharing his flaws with the world
She wishes that he would look her way
Eyes closed tightly
Wishing she could feel his hand stroking her cheeks gently
A lot of unspoken words
Wanting to open up her soul and become completely vulnerable
Looking around the room
Surrounded by all these beautiful faces
Doubts in her mind replays her scariest memories
Fearing the carpet being pulled from right under her feet
Not trying to take the title of first place
She just doesn’t want to fit in anymore
Surrounded by everyone else’s perspective of beautiful
Giving in
She does not want to compete anymore
A naked woman within the four walls
Sharing her scars with him
Leaving her soul on the floor
She wishes to be enough to him
The only king she sees
An ordinary soul in everyone else’s eyes
But an extraordinary soul in her eyes
Looking into his eyes
Turning the frown into a beautiful smile
Her heart is gone with wind
A few hours is just not enough to describe how honored it feels
Her eyes focused on him
And him alone
Imperfect soul from a distance what she wants more than ever
Her heart failing to fight this feeling
She yearns to be in front of him
Flawed Him

Whomst Is She…

A heart of gold
With pure intentions
Giving nothing but love and kindness
Expecting nothing in return
Beautiful from within
Choosing her natural beauty
Comfortably over unimportant validation
Showing all her cards on the table
She’s got nothing to hide
Hiding behind a beautiful smile
It is quite hard to see the broken glass eyes
The walls becomes her shield
They entered into her life
One by one
Whispering sweet nothings in her ear
She’s falling hook line and sinker
Promising her the world
Drowning in the open waters
She alone
Like this entire thing is too good to be true
Her heart feels incomplete
Beginning her search on self care
Buried wounds start coming back
Triggering emotions that she’s not ready to feel
Reminded of the things that are supposed to be died
A bunch of wasted takes lay there on the ground
Watching the hourglass from a distance
As she counts the seconds wasted on trying to be perfect
Sitting on the chair
Staring at the mirror
Gazing at the girl hiding behind the mask
With piles of powder on her face
Disappointment rears it’s ugly head
Everyone close to her begin wilting slowly
She’s left in a big room alone
Staring at the world outside
Waiting for the moon to show up
Finding comfort in the arms of warm blankets
Eyes closed tightly
Tears rolling down her face
Broken to the core
Her journey is harder than ever before