I never thought I would see the day where you would walk away,
Always thought hoped that you would stay,
But I guess I was wrong.
I never thought I would see the day where you wouldn’t be there anymore,
Looking around at the house that we turned into a home,
But right now it feels like living worst nightmare.
I never thought I would see the day where the sclera would be blood shot red,
And I would enjoy the company of the night than the day.
I never thought I would go back to shutting everyone out,
And enjoy the benefits of being in my own space.
Screaming and crying,
Yelling at God,
Asking him why?
Why did he create me like this??
Why am I the person that everyone wants to run from?
Why did he have to pull the rug from right under my feet??
I never thought I see the day where I would go back sleeping with soaking wet pillow,
Staring at the ceiling,
And the tears running a marathon down my face.
Interrogating myself in my head about my actions.
I never thought I would see the day where I would prefer hiding from the world,
Lights completely turned off,
And the world is at peace.
I never thought I would see the day where I would go back to hating me,
Ripping myself apart like shredding paper,
Silently going over every detail in my head,
But I never found an answer.
As the I opened up the shower,
Water begins sprinting down my body,
I grabbed my shower scrap,
And I started scrabbing on my skin so hard.
My skin turned red but the flaw never went away.
Completely unclothed,
A reflection through the reflective glass stares back at me,
Stomach bolling like a hot kettle,
Heart beating so loudly as if it screaming back at me,
Unexpectedly aiming for image of me,
I punch into the mirror,
And broke the parts of me that some people saw as beautiful.
Open cut knuckles bleeding like volcano exploding with lava,
I broke myself down,
And now I am broken doll with a heartbeat.
Happy New Year
Out with the old, and in with the new.
Rewriting old titles with new stories.
Capturing new memories with new untold stories.
Unexpected journeys start feeling like unexpected rainfall.
Envisioning all my goals and dreams.
Some I’ve achieved, and the others seem like distant prospects.
Palms sweating,
Hands shaking,
My heart throbbed loudly against my chest.
The air in my lungs begins clogging up like a blocked drainage system.
Voices in my head begin scanning my goals, and dreams.
I heard them laughing out loud.
Shredding my composure into tiny little chunks.
I see fear in the distance,
With a big smile on his face.
Looking at the corner of the room.
Here lies a bunch of wasted tapes,
Messed up manuscripts.
Staring at all the walls of a beautiful room.
One by one are pictures of me and my setbacks.
Glaring at them all,
I see how I started well,
But lost my vision along the way.
Driving down the highway at 180 km/h down a 120km zone.
Unaware of the concrete wall ahead.
Knocking my head against it,
I was in a coma for a while.
Eyes closed tightly,
Recalling how I was blindfolded and told to trust the process,
And ended up drowning into the forbidden ocean.
A bright gold light catches my attention.
Walking slowly towards it.
I see a black door,
Head covered in cold sweats.
I am afraid of what lies ahead.
Holding onto the doorknob,
Turning it slowly,
I fear what the year has in store for me.
The Green Monster Within Me…
I am jealous of the ceiling that stares at you,
while your body is in a calming state.
Wishing I could see you in your peaceful place.
I am jealous of the way that black t-shirt hugs your body,
And the washed-up slacks clenched on your legs,
Molding your physique so handsomely and deliciously.
You became my favorite human sculpture.
I am jealous of the eyes that gaze at you every day,
Wishing you lock eyes with me the same way,
With so much passion and admiration.
I am jealous of the love that you give out so easily,
Wishing you gave me the same opportunity,Instead I found myself smashing walls for someone to have easy access to you.
I am jealous of the eyes that have seen you completely powerless,
Craving for this moment.
As I waited until you were ready to be unclothed with me.
I am jealous of the arms that comfort you during the dark days,
Constructing an idea of what it’s supposed to be like in my mind,
I am forced to watch it play out as my worst suffering.
I am jealous of the time that you spent creating the last admiration,
Wishing you never closed the door in my face.
But grant me the opportunity to dance with you underneath the stars.
I am jealous of all the things that you see as beautiful,
My deepest longing is to be seen as beautiful in your eyes,recalling the number of times the glass fell to the ground.
Glazing at the broken pieces that you left behind,
Thinking of the days that I sat down alone with my thoughts.
Counting the buses that drive by me,
Realize the automobile that I want might take a while to arrive.
I squatted down on the ground,
And life just went by,
I waited for the stars to align with the universe.
But my flaws were so noticeable that they couldn’t be hidden,
I went back to hide in the dark just to stare at you from a distance.
Piece Together…
I waited for the stars to align,
And the universe to make things happen.
They brought me you.
A resemblance that I thought only exists in my dreams.
Watching you from a distance like a robot being assembled.
But I didn’t have the courage to approach you.
Surrounded by self doubt and enthusiasm in myself.
The easiest thing is just to walk away.
Glancing at you from my bedroom window,
Skeptical about coming close to you.
My deepest fear is being the clown behind the glass.
Writing a mental note of every single detail about your physical exterior.
The image disseminated eternally in my heart like a permanent record.
Eyes close tightly,
Thinking maybe we come from two different realms so it’s best to walk away.
Walking away with a huge hole in my chest.
Seeking to fill it up,
But nothing works at all.
Traveling in between two cities.
Glimpsing at elements that reflect who you are.
Discovering something that grabs my attention,
But it didn’t quite hit the spot.
Not realizing that I’m allotting to qualities that reminds me of you.
Wishing so much that I could see you again, and this time you would be mine.
Praying that God would save your love for me.
I waited for you as days turned into weeks,
Weeks turned into months,
Months turned into years.
Eventually our paths cross,
And everything that I spent years looking for is right in front of me.
Making sure that everything is perfect,
Trying by all means to impress you.
Perhaps the ball might go in when I aim for the hoop this time around.
I step forward to take my shot,
But got denied once again.
The Abrupt Disappearance Of You
“You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”
I never thought I’d be living that quote at the moment.
Even though you are the one who chose to walk,
I still stayed in the place where I left my heart,
And that is in your hands
You walked away for months and never looked back.
But I stayed waiting for the day that I would see you walk through the door.
And yelled that you missed me.
You stayed in my mind like a permanent record.
No matter how many times I tried to replace you,
Or fill the void that you left behind it was never enough.
Truth is that I yearned for you.
Especially on rainy days,
And on the days when the thoughts in my mind were loud; and I couldn’t shut them down;
Or put them on mute.
When I want to be held and heard.
Instead of being ripped apart and judged by the way I looked.
Moving through the different places where we used to go together,
I struggled to forget about you or hit the ignore button.
Repeating every single moment in my head,
Attempting to figure out where exactly did things go left.
I come up with different theories.
But none of them are making any sense.
As the sands move through the hourglass,
Each minute is consumed by concepts that are not making any sense.
Pacing up and down like I am walking down the stairs,
In and out of all the rooms,
Wanting to find some clue as to what exactly happened.
But there is nothing there except for the picture, and your favorite shirt that you gave me.
Struggling to go to lay my head in the bed that we shared every night.
I settled on the couch that we got together with your favorite shirt cause I wanted to feel close to you.
Laying my head on the cushion that you held whenever you found yourself missing me.
I am knocked by your scent.
Feeling my elasticated glass heart lose grip of my bottled-up emotions.
I lose complete control of my body.
As my body begin hitting the ground,
Eyes closed tightly.
I begin to see you in the distance,
Falling into a deep hole,
Reaching out my hand toward you,
Trying to catch you,
However, you disappeared into thin air for good.
Hidden Feels…
Ordinary soul from a thousand kilometers.
You are amazing,
And not a lot of people give you the credit you deserve.
Eyes close tightly,
I wish you could see my life through the eyes of a writer.
There are so many stories to tell,
And a lot of moments to capture with a camera in my heart.
Flipping the hourglass around,
Gazing at the sands as they move through the glass.
A minute is wasted,
Tomorrow is not guaranteed.
So I take the opportunity to tell you presently,
I am a passionate poetic lover,
Who is not afraid to go after the things that I want.
But I am always sacrificing my happiness,
And hit my head on the ground.
Would be rated a 5;
But in my heart, I know that I’m 25.
You were a stranger from the onset,
Always hiding at the back of the compartment.
Cheering me on silently.
The tide took a turn for the better,
And this is unexpected.
We would talk about everything, and anything,
And then you would disappear into the world for days.
Sometimes even months.
My heart shattered into small little pieces,
And I would wonder if I said anything wrong.
But the echo of my thoughts would come bouncing back at me.
You came back,
As I found myself missing you.
But I am all by myself.
In a place where I was happy,
Seeing your image from a distance,
I want to hold you at this very instance.
Your smile melts my heart.
Trying to fight the temptation of wanting to be more than just a companion.
The phone rings,
An unfamiliar number shows up,
I press the green button and it’s your voice.
My heart starts racing,
All I want is to grab you and get completely lost in your arms.
But you are far.
You laid your heart on the ground for me to hold.
Seeing all the love and affection in your eyes,
Fear gets the better part of me.
But I plunder the biggest leap of faith,
Hoping that you would hold my heart gently.
The confinement walls begin falling to the ground at the snap of your fingers,
And legs begin crossing the line wishing that nothing changes.
The Expansion Of Phenomenon Woman
I’m seen as a 5,
Stressing about what others might think of me.
Ears to the ground,
I heard the negative comments,
And allowed it to get to my head.
My heart instantly became heavy.
Resulting in me being in a dark place,
Constantly doubting the fact that I’m gorgeous.
Hiding behind the mask,
No one saw me dying gradually.
Choosing to be an astronaut in my world.
Building a strong wall to protect my soul,
I’m scared of being who I truly wanted to be,
A beautiful woman.
A silent moment alone,
Wandering between two cities.
I needed to discover myself,
Detailing all my flaws.
I’ve learned to love my imperfections and perfection.
Seeing myself as 20.
Embracing her that I know I am.
Wearing my crown with my head clasped elevated,
Eyes closed tightly.
I recognize that I could not change anything about it.
Embracing the faults in my body,
It set in that I couldn’t do anything.
Staring at the woman who inspired me,
I needed to accumulate.
Turning into the beautiful butterfly that I dreamed of,
Choosing my happiness.
Eventually, I feel at peace.
Discovering my happy place.
Not remorseful for wearing my heart with all its scars on my sleeves.
Preferring to convey my thoughts on paper instead of talking,
Being completely satisfied with leaving my heart on a blank manuscript.
Confronting everything that I suppress,
I watched my soul finally being completely free.
As I confidently chase after everything that my heart desires.
I’ve learned to keep climbing up even when I’ve been told no!
As I committed to engraving my emotions,
From highs to lows,
Amazing being is who I am.
As I continue to rise with my head held high taking my position on my throne.
Evolving into the force that I’ve always wanted to be for a long time.
I’m a Queen in my world.
A Heart That Never Stopped Waiting For You…
There are things that I wish I could tell you,
But I do not think you would understand.
Staring at the beautiful night,
Wishing that you could be in my shoes.
For a while,
Look at things with my eyes,
Maybe you would understand why I never left the boxing ring.
Why I stopped fighting,
Even though there’s nothing much to fight for,
Sitting in the room that was once filled with so much happiness, love, and kindness.
But it has turned into a cold space.
Staring at the hourglass that you left on the table the day you moved into my heart.
But there’s no sand on the upper bulb,
Feeling a huge knock on the center of my chest.
It hits me hard that the glassed heart is empty.
Fingers crossed tightly, I patiently waited for you to walk through the door.
The sun going down slowly,
And it started getting dark.
Thoughts in my head started getting louder,
Trying, by all means, to avoid thinking the worst.
Eyes closed tightly,
Searching for my happy place where I hid the good memories.
Giving my head this instant rush.
Picturing that beautiful smile on your face left me completely mesmerized,
Hearing your beautiful voice that gave me instant shivers down my spine.
I wanted nothing more, but to make you happy.
Feeling a painful cut in my heart,
Wishing I never opened up that can of worms that no one knew about.
Being consistent like you wanted me to be,
Holding you tightly.
I didn’t want things to end now.
Remembering how you looked, and how it felt when I first saw you.
Tongue-tied, and reminding myself not to say anything stupid.
Wishing I could have told you from the beginning; and laid everything on the line.
Maybe you would still be stuck around.
Hearing the doorknob turning slowly
I begin opening my eyes, and making it big like they are about to pop out.
Waiting in anticipation to see you.
I’m hit hard with your favorite fragrance.
My legs couldn’t hold it back as I see your hand put your bags down.
I begin jumping on top of you,
With a big bunch of happy tears rolling down my face.
I never lost faith that eventually, the tide would turn; and you would come back.
Voiceless Commitment…
In my gaze,
You are perfect.
With no flaws or wasted takes.
Everything that I’ve always dreamed about is completely wrapped up in you.
Mysterious soul,
At one point I thought it quite magical as well,
Staring at the beautiful dark sky.
My fingers crossed that I would see a shooting star.
Eyes closed tightly waiting in anticipation to make a wish,
But there’s nothing at all.
Staring at you from the tall walls that have hidden me.
My heart captured your exterior from every angle;
And completely drawn to your interior.
I feel like a puppet being pulled into your heart.
It turned into a permanent tattoo on my soul.
I never stopped thinking about you.
Every single day I would patiently wait until I get to see you again.
Staring at the stars,
I replay the moment in my head when I saw you;
Breaking down every single thing about you in my microscopic mind.
From the way you look;
The way you smile looks,
How you walk,
Thinking about you makes me feel warm inside.
Making sure that I don’t miss anything at all.
Staring at all of this information,
I begin to feel scared that maybe you’re all in my head,
Maybe you don’t exist.
I should just pack up and forget about you.
But it just doesn’t feel right.
It doesn’t make sense to me.
I found myself interacting with others,
Trying hard to forget about you.
Finding myself being physically present but not emotionally present.
Each one captures the mind and the heart.
But no one captured the mind, heart, and soul quite like you,
Going through every fact and thought that is written on paper.
Thought that maybe I missed something,
But there’s nothing at all.
Standing at the window,
Gazing at the outside world wishing so badly that I could see you.
As I see a familiar walk and face from a distance.
My legs begin racing down the stairs to the front door.
Watching you approach my home slowly,
My heart begins racing.
Feeling butterflies dancing in my stomach and a smile created on my face.
I know that this is it,
Approaching you slowly and taking your hand to gently place it on my heart.
I wish you could read my mind.
Unraveling all the feelings that I suppressed for years waiting for you.
I vowed to never stop loving you.
The Ultimate Admirable Tale…
I always found myself gazing at you from a distance,
Afraid you might not like what you see.
On my knees, I begin to pray that I would get another opportunity to see if it was real.
Choosing to hide behind the walls that protect my heart.
Seeing your infectious smile,
Feeling like I’m standing on top of the highest skyscraper.
Taking the biggest leap of faith,
Falling for your beautiful soul,
But maybe you are not real,
Or maybe you’re a figure of my imagination.
Staring at the ceiling,
Remembering how beautiful you are.
I thought that maybe I saw you in my dreams.
Recalling your beautiful slightly pink lips,
And it hit me hard like a punch in the stomach that you just walked past me.
I stood still for a moment,
Not taking into consideration that I’m going to shop.
Turning around for a minute to see if you were still there,
But you disappeared like you never existed.
Passing by your house on my way home,
I turned to the left to check a glimpse of you there,
But there was no one outside.
Feeling my heart crashing down to my pelvic area,
I began hanging my head.
As my heart was filled with so much disappointment,
Needing a moment to myself.
Staring at the beautiful night,
I saw a beautiful bright light,
It’s the moon.
I start closing my eyes,
Praying in my heart that I would see a shooting star.
So I could wish for you,
Small bits of your beautiful face start coming up,
But it’s not clear enough for me to see.
Everything is a blur right now,
I would patiently count the days to my special day,
Hearing them sing “Happy birthday to you!”
Eyes closed tightly.
Blowing out each candle,
All I wished for is seeing you.
The tided turned,
And the universe heard my silent prayers,
Seeing your name appearing on the top banner of my cell phone screen.
My heart started beating out of control,
Feeling myself slowly losing my breath.
My palms begin sweating out of control,
Putting my phone down and stepping out of the room.
I needed a moment to calm down,
Taking deep slow breaths in and out.
I eventually found the courage to reply,
Talking to you for a while.
In my heart, I wish it could last forever.
Realizing that we’re a vibe virtually,
But I couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel up close.
As I count the days until I finally get to see you.
Playing around with different scenarios in my head.
Recalling the day I walked to your house,
Rehearsing the entire moment over, and over again.
When I saw you, and that beautiful smile,
I was left completely speechless.
My mind went blank,
And everything that I rehearsed in my head went straight out the window.
Left completely mesmerized by your presence,
I was left gasping for air.
As you knocked me completely off my feet,
You are more than anything I’ve ever dreamt about.
Finding the missing piece to emptiness,
My heart feels whole again.
Turning off the negative thoughts in my head,
Living in the moment,
This moment feels right here with you.
Staring into your beautiful eyes,
Beautiful eyes hypnotize me,
I’m so lost but lost in a good way.
Wanting nothing more but to kiss you,
Pulling my face toward you.
The warmth of your breath begins hitting the back of my throat,
Both our eyes closed tightly,
Pulling my body close to you covering the space between our bodies.
Taking your hands-on sightseeing trip around my body,
I wanted nothing more but to live in your heart,
If forever existed I would rather spend it with you by my side.
RCrystelle's Poetic Art 