Untitled poem

I live in world where goodbyes are said to be easy
But for me it was not easy
This became a different ball game

I fell completely in love
And for the first time it felt real
I wanted to be a dove
And just fly to you

Your love is real
And it’s all I want right now

For the first time I was happy
And this time it was real

My body felt alive
And somehow I survived the challenges of life
My heart played a song
Where I thought it would play for a long time

Staring into your eyes
I got lost in your soul
It’s like the cruel world didn’t existed

Standing in front of you
At that moment in time
It felt right…

You broke the ice
And told me that I am beautiful
For the first time I actually believed it…

My confidence was on high
Insecurities and Doubts faded away
Cause for the first time in a long time
I actually believe in myself again…

My human form of a diary
I finally let my guard down
And the mask came off

Like for the first time I could actually be me
The weird classy beautiful soul
Who prefers soccer over a horror movie
The girl who prefer her natural beauty over make up
And whose close friends with a pen,a book and notepad

I’m ashamed of myself
Because I shouldn’t have let you down
And allow people around me to ridicule you
I should have protected you…
Shielded you from the evil world

I should have told them how I feel
And made them understand that you are not perfect
I didn’t need you to be perfect
I just wanted your love

But now I realised that it is impossible to save what was lost
All I know is that I never stopped loving you
Loving you gave me life that no other soul would ever

But now I am on my death bed
Thrusting that last bit of air
I was hoping that maybe you would save me

But instead you left with no trace
Just a cold goodbye

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UNTITLED POEM

I’m ashamed
I don’t like the way I look on the outside
Old man find it quite appealing
While young men find it as unattractive

I envy beautiful girls cause they are not like me

They don’t know how it feels like to be seen ugly
Or get feel so insecure that you wish you could read a guy’s mind

With scars around my heart
I realized that I can’t pretend anymore
I keep my shit together
Because I feel like I’m drowning

Betrayal becomes my best friend
He does not even knock anymore

With a different mask
For every day of the week
I become exhausted on trying to keep up with everyone

My circle of friends become smaller
I realized that I am better off as loner
People don’t bother to make an effort anymore

Trust never liked me
Always taught me not believe everything that they say
Cause in a blink of eye they could all say goodbye

But I never listened
Instead I loved certain people who I thought I could trust
And like the unexpected storm they changed their colors

My entire life is lie
And it was all because she said goodbye
Left me on the doorstep of the unknown

Not knowing that I was dying inside

Being passed down from one person to other
I felt like a dirty object
I was used and abused by love

Love,I thought you cared about me
Because I was your biggest fan
Always giving people advice

But I could never use it
Because I was never good enough to fulfill anyone…

Instead you left in a bus
Alone
With no one to care about my wellbeing

I sit outside this door
Waiting for this soul to open his heart
And let me in,my entire life flashes before eyes

This is my way of saying goodbye

MY LIFE ON SET…

“GET OVER IT”
“YOU SHOULD FORGET ABOUT HIM ALREADY”
“MOVE ON”

As these three sentences replay in my head
Just like an recorder on repeat
I realized that he’s gone…

With my head hanging in shame
It’s hits me hard that they wanted my story to be exactly scripted like theirs

With the lights
The same camera
The studio
The same backdrop that seems familiar
The same storyline
That the story is that obvious
Same location that I can’t stand that place where I felt a lot of pain
Pain that no one else bothered to check if I was okay

“It’s a phase” was what they thought
As they try to give me another moment
But it wasn’t like the first one
It was fake
That they wasted too many takes on scripting it

As I stood in front of a men who I barely knew
But they wanted forever to begin
Tears roll down my face

I begin to break down
Knowing that I can’t ignore what I’m feeling anymore
As they expected me to be happy
But this wasn’t me anymore…

My heart wasn’t in it anymore

Because I knew what I wanted…
But I couldn’t have it anymore
Cause they ruined it just because they didn’t like it…

Not considering how I feel
No one bothered to talk to me
Instead they celebrated my pain
They celebrated the tears that I cried now that my version of happiness is gone

I started isolating myself
Not wanting to talk to anyone about anything anymore
The darkness came back again
I realized that I am back at square one

My heart shattered into pieces
That I can’t believe the sacrifice I had to make to the crew happy
People who I thought had my back
Surrounded by people who have their own agenda
And that was to rip me off my happiness for good
But truth is I was just a loner all along

MY DEAR BEST FRIEND

Emptiness
That’s all I feel now that you are gone
I thought our bond was strong
But I guess I was wrong

As people degrade you
And drag your name through mud
Illustrating you as a bad guy
When truth is that u are a good guy

A million miles away from me
They feel that you are not good enough for me
Hustling was your game
Because you had find a way to make things right
But they saw it as an opening for a demon to come creeping in from behind

I’m sorry
That’s all I can say for now
But somehow I don’t feel like it would make things right
So I go out searching for you
But clearly you don’t want to be found

My past before u comes knocking
But I don’t want to open that door
Cause I know that it’s u that I want

People called me crazy to fight for you
But I believe in love again
And it’s all because of you…

But it’s still not enough
It’s not enough for me
For us

I want more…
In fact I want it all with you because I still love you

UNTITLED POEM…

My deepest fear
That’s who you have become
But I pretend like it doesn’t hurt me

As I found myself staring at empty space
Thinking about all the things that seem wrong
My mind disappears for so long

I start taking the blame
That you might feel like this is lame
But I see it being the same again

As I watched you give her all your attention
My heart shattering into a thousand pieces…

It felt you distance yourself into the dark
That I felt like maybe all of this was a lie
I noticed that you became someone that I feared

Nothing was same again

I felt like a toy
That you made me feel so worthless
Where I started catching dust in the dark
I didn’t even feel like fighting for you to notice me
For I had no power left in me

I just couldn’t beg anymore
But I feared losing you
So I did it anyway

But still nothing changed…
I realized that maybe it was me
As your longed for your freedom

I couldn’t help but watch you become a nightmare that haunt me in the dark
My reflection became unknown to you

I barely remember who I was anymore

You walked away
And left in the cold
With nothing to fold

I watched you change right before eyes

I tried to be who you want
But I just want to be true to myself

A dream that lost it’s heart

Lights
Camera
Action

That’s what I wanted…
As I witnessed my story being told for everyone to see
I was proud of my hard work

My phone begins to ring
And I realised that it was all a dream
As I get the biggest reality check of my life
I hear a familiar voice asking me “Are your patient doing well today”

My smile is turned into a frown
Tears roll down my face
I realised that this is not my life

This is not what I pictured myself doing
Living someone else dream

I needed to be honest with you
With the world
I eventually got the guts to tell you my truth
My dream
My aspiration for my life

But you compare me with everyone else
Telling me that I would be wasting my time
My money
Chasing after something that is not worth it

But I prove you wrong
I reach my dream
I realised that everyone was right all along

And you didn’t want see me succeed in life

The Forgotten Child…

“YOU ARE STUPID”
“YOU ARE USELESS”
“YOUR DREAMS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A DREAM”
These were comments that became my life

Whenever I attempted to do something
All I think is maybe I’m not cut out for this
I reached a point in my life where as I attempted to do something
I back down because I am too scared to get my hopes up for nothing

As I sit here
In a place filled with darkness
I realised that nothing I ever do would good enough to make them proud.
My efforts would be a waste of time

Cutting the umbilical cord that held us together
I realised that I am alone
In the cold

Using someone else identity
I realised that I am nothing but slave
My name seems to come when you need something

With my mistakes plastered for all to see
The words thank you and please were never common thing when it came to my needs…

Tomorrow is suppose to be an important day
But I feel like disappearing completely
Because my life in your eyes is a waste of sprem and ovaries
That I just wanted it to stop and stop for a lifetime

Life would great because nothing went to waste
And I would better off as decomposed soul…
This would be what I leave u with…