The Girl That Was Always Lost

I always felt like a girl
Looking in from the outside of the window
I didn’t feel like I fit in with this crowd

As I saw bad chemicals
Psychoactive substances
And a Cannabis Sativa

I found myself in a place of thee unknown

I placed myself in a corner where I didn’t want to be seen
Or to be bothered

As the Dj played the music so loudly
I literally felt ears beeping
Like my eardrums bursting

But the music was to good that I ignored the feeling

The Dj played my favourite song
I went to the dance floor
And lost myself completely in the beat

As the beat took over my body
My soul was well again
I became the girl in her happy place

Another beat played through the speakers
My heart shattered into a billion little pieces
I found myself in reality again

I walked up into my corner of thee unknown
Someone stared at me from across the room
I looked up
And saw a face that my mind didn’t recognise

As he walked up to me
Intoxicated by bad chemicals
He looked into eyes hoping to get a smile

But I looked away
As he whispered sweet nothing’s in my ear
The smell of his breath was indescribable
My stomach started turning inside out

And I felt sick to stomach
But I kept a straight face in order to be strong
His hands landed on my body

As he starred caressing on my thighs
My body reacted as I pushed him away
But he kept on insisting that I am his property

As he held my hand insisting that I am all his to devour
The air in my lungs started sinking
As I felt myself choking
I couldn’t even breath…

I pushed his hand away
But his grip was tightened up like a rope
I begged him to leave me
But he didn’t want to let go

As I stared into his eyes
I could see his under the influence
And he began to introduce me to guys that I barely even know

This guy looked like an old man
As his started scanning me from bottom going up
I immediately felt like an object

He introduced himself to me
I could see the lust in his eyes
Feeling this man is undressing me with eyes

I managed to find a way to break free
As I broke this hold that this guy had
And I begin to run
Run for my life
Run like there’s no tomorrow
Running faster
And not looking back again

I felt the adrenaline rush kick into my body
As I found a safe place
Protecting myself
I realised that I just don’t belong there in a place where I am object to guys under the influence
Being passed down from one person to another person

I need to find me
And find where I truly belong

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Unknown Feelings Of A Rejected Soul

I wish I felt all the emotions that I feel now 21 years ago
Then maybe when I was 3 years old I would write a letter to ask Father Christmas to find you
And when I turned 6 years old you would be holding my hand taking me to my first day of school
I wanted you to take me to hospital when I fell sick
So that when the anaesthetic wore off your smile would be first thing I saw

I wanted so badly for you to see the emotional abuse I have endured
Maybe you would understand why sucidie and love was my greatest escape
As I found myself trying to find out who I truly am

I wanted so badly for you to see my first poetry piece
And for you to be excited about the found my place in the world…

I wanted to you to be part of my first heartbreak
It was one that cicatrice me for life
And left me broken
That it was hard to forget about it

I wish that you were a part of my life then
So I wouldn’t be best friends with taking my own life
That I have to bottle up my emotions so much
Or find myself overdosing on medication wishing that I never wake up the next morning
So that death was my only escape

I wish you were a part of my life when I got an opportunity to stare love into the eyes
For the first time I was actually happy and in love with someone who loved me for who I truly am and not for what the world wanted me to be
He respected the fact that I didn’t consume alcohol and that I was shy…
But now his gone and I scared him away with my issues

I’m not sure if you are aware of my existance
Or the things that I am currently going through
But all I know is that I want to leave
I want to get out
But to get out with a plan to make something of myself

I just want to leave for a while
Or maybe for lifetime
All I know is that I want to end the pain that consumed my life more than alcohol

THE ALTERNATIVE MONSTER WITHIN ME…

Rough patches
With a million scratches
That is what came out at midnight

But you never had the opportunity
To see the side that I am ashamed of
As I watched you in a distance
Find the happiness that I’ve always wanted to give you

She was amazing
And knocked you off your feet
That it left me bleeding

My skin changed color
I became a different being
That it was a different scene

My fears written on face
That you never understood the pace
Of my healing

My heart was left empty
That I was tempted to steal that back
But the human side of me had to step in

Claws out
I found myself yelling your name
Hoping that something would change

But my echoe bounced back
That I fell on the ground
And like a sinking sack
I started thinking about how I fell for you

In your ocean
I found myself sinking in your love
That I couldn’t be a dove
And fly away

I eventually broke free
And I could see you
In the distant staring into her eyes
That were like stars

I realised that I should walk away
But your love locked me up like a prisoner…

Am I fool??
Am I not pretty enough to be with someone like you??
My heart shattered into a billion pieces

I sent you a gift
Wrapped up just for you
And you opened it

The pieces in the box were a soul that you broke…

THE ALTERNATIVE MONSTER WITHIN ME…

Rough patches
With a million scratches
That is what came out at midnight

But you never had the opportunity
To see the side that I am ashamed of
As I watched you in a distance
Find the happiness that I’ve always wanted to give you

She was amazing
And knocked you off your feet
That it left me bleeding

My skin changed color
I became a different being
That it was a different scene

My fears written on face
That you never understood the pace
Of my healing

My heart was left empty
That I was tempted to steal that back
But the human side of me had to step in

Claws out
I found myself yelling your name
Hoping that something would change

But my echoe bounced back
That I fell on the ground
And like a sinking sack
I started thinking about how I fell for you

In your ocean
I found myself sinking in your love
That I couldn’t be a dove
And fly away

I eventually broke free
And I could see you
In the distant staring into her eyes
That were like stars

I realised that I should walk away
But your love locked me up like a prisoner…

Am I fool??
Am I not pretty enough to be with someone like you??
My heart shattered into a billion pieces

I sent you a gift
Wrapped up just for you
And you opened it

The pieces in the box were a soul that you broke…

Unspoken Words Of Doll Who Was Once A Good Friend

Mirror Mirror on my wall
Could you please tell me what you think is wrong about me??
As I start reminiscing about how close we used to be…
We used to talk everyday, all day

I found myself been in a happy place
Cause you put me in that position
I was happy that I was chosen for this role

I let my guard down
And allowed you to break down my walls
Allowed you to touch my soul
My sensitivity was not there anymore

You always knew where to find me
And I was always next you making memories
With each other like best friends do…

You would pull my string
I would tell you a silly thing that once happened to me
And you would burst into laughter

Whenever you had a frown on your face
I always know how to turn it upside down
And I would finally see that light on your face
That lit up my world

Every night
You would whisper I love you in my ear
And I would turn just to look at you
That I would plant little kisses on your cheeks
You would turn pink like little girl whose seen the love of her life

You were never ashamed of me
And I was never ashamed of you
I would tell the world about our story
And I wonder if you ever did the same for me

Laying on this shelf
I begin to think about how many mountains I would climb to prove a point
How many times I’d have to tell the story
Our story so you could understand how I feel about you…

I cut myself
One to many times
I realised that I am a messed up soul
And I am hurting with so many bruises

Tears roll down my face
As I realised that I got emotions
And this time they are more real than ever
I realised that I’ve fallen deeper into your ocean

I found myself in a ring
Fighting for you more than anything else in the world
But your unexpected goodbye gave my world a reason to disrespect me

I’m nothing
And they were right about that
I was just suppose to be the soul who you pass time with
Nothing serious at all…

I miss you more than ever
But clearly you don’t want anything to do with me
So you threw me away
I’ve been the unnecessary dirt that took most of space in your heart…

You’ve just proven the world right
But I held on to you tightly
Hoping that you would notice me
As I yelled out your name
But you blocked me
And put me on mute

With no reason why
Or some kind of heads up
My heart is closed
And I don’t want anyone else to hang out…

But now I’ve turned into the friend that you don’t want hear from
I’ve been placed on the shelf with all of these things that not important anymore catching dust
That I eventually I’ve rust
And be thrown out in the thrash can…

I guess all I wanted to do is fix things
And say I’m sorry
Please kindly be my friend again

Unspoken Words Of An Abandoned Daughter

You left me for a while
And a while turned into a lifetime
I didn’t notice that you were gone

Cause I was an innocent soul
I couldn’t tell the difference
It was all the same to me

As you left me on the doorstep of thee unknown
With no letter
Or a pendant that has your name written
Something that I could remember you by..

Nothing at all…

Instead you left me in a place where I’m surrounded by pain
That it has become a permanent stain
I’ve become a soul with bottled up emotions

I’m choking on this pain
I don’t think I can do this anymore
With a million scars on my body
I’m running out of space

Each cutting on my body I found myself hurting even more

Every year I find myself hoping that I would find you
21 birthdays
With 21 candles
And 21 wishes just remained a bunch of wishes
And I always wish that you would come back to get me.

Surrounded by darkness
Tears roll down my face
As I begin to weep
Wondering if you ever held my hand
That our fingers ever intertwined

My heart filled with plenty of pain
I’m a prisoner in pain
As I realised that all I want you to come back
Come back to get me out my pain

Like the heroes on the television
Saving the world
I wish you could be the hero in my world

THE ALTERNATIVE MONSTER WITHIN ME…

Rough patches
With a million scratches
That is what came out at midnight

But you never had the opportunity
To see the side that I am ashamed of
As I watched you in a distance
Find the happiness that I’ve always wanted to give you

She was amazing
And knocked you off your feet
That it left me bleeding

My skin changed color
I became a different being
That it was a different scene

My fears written on face
That you never understood the pace
Of my healing

My heart was left empty
That I was tempted to steal that back
But the human side of me had to step in

Claws out
I found myself yelling your name
Hoping that something would change

But my echoe bounced back
That I fell on the ground
And like a sinking sack
I started thinking about how I fell for you

In your ocean
I found myself sinking in your love
That I couldn’t be a dove
And fly away

I eventually broke free
And I could see you
In the distant staring into her eyes
That were like stars

I realised that I should walk away
But your love locked me up like a prisoner…

Am I fool??
Am I not pretty enough to be with someone like you??
My heart shattered into a billion pieces

I sent you a gift
Wrapped up just for you
And you opened it

The pieces in the box were a soul that you broke…