THE DARK DEJECTED SOUL

I’ve done it again
The unexpected storm
But this time it blew you away

As I found myself outside
In the cold
With no one to hold

I realized that by my side is nothing but emptiness
Surrounded by the white snow
I tried to look for the bow that would unlock my happiness

But there was nothing there
Just an empty open field filled with snow

I yelled out your name
That I took your love as game
Thinking that it’s all the same

But to my surprise it was a dream
Filled a stream of dark untold thoughts

I tried to tell you that I still love you
But I don’t think you truly understood my feelings

As I found myself just hurting even more
The pain became unbarerable
Tears roll down my face

I felt alone

Isolated from everything
And everyone
I realized that I lost apart of me

I gave you my all
And I got nothing in return
But a long lists of unknown demands

I wish that you could have taken the time to see yourself through my eyes

As you are recognized by your exterior
That no one understands your interior design
But me

One page after the other
I readed all about you
But still you were blindfolded by the exterior

I sit here with a bunch of wishes
One by one
They each include you then I realized that I still love you

The foundation is layered
One rock at the time
I begin to rebuild the wall of the wounds that you exposed to the world

But truth be told
It was too late
Cause I realized that I will never be good enough for anyone else..

A gulity conscious surrounds me
I realized that it was not your fault
But mine…

With a million fingers pointed at you
I feel a thousand pointing at me
People started talking about you

I realized that maybe you were ashamed of me

I wasn’t quite appealing to the eyes
So you choose to hide me behind a mask that was never seen by the world
That you barely said a word

As I found myself living a lie
I just want to die

And escape my pain

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IN MY HEAD

A dark cloud
That I found myself thinking aloud
Weak

Peak
Surrounded by all my mistakes
I feel like I wasted these takes
Repeating the same things

Over and over again
I felt like I am on a rollercoaster ride
I had a lot of pride

Tears roll down my face
As I watched life flash before my eyes
Each heartache that I experienced

I wish I could escape
Drowning in my own space
Drinking alcohol I wish I could forget

I sit here in darkness with a heart filled with regrets

All I could think of is a bunch of what ifs

I wish I could see you
So that I could apologize for my behaviour
But I wonder if you would accept my apology

Could I get a chance to make it right??
Would it still feel like love at first sight??

I wish you could come home
And we would be in our dome
Away from world

Just the two of us

⏮ON REPEAT ⏮

Another year
Different season
But the problems still remain the same

I found myself in the middle of an unexpected storm
As I feel two hands hold me on either side
I wonder if I could protect them

With my feet stuck to the ground
I wish I could just disappear because they don’t deserve me
As I found myself staring at this scars

I found myself wondering if I am ready to risk it all…
If you would forgive me that I didn’t tell you sooner

Dealing with my trust issues and insecurities
I never knew that this would be the ice breaker for our love
As this raging storm approach us

Would I risk my life for them??
Would it be safe to say that you don’t want to anything to do with me anymore,
That you don’t want me to stay???

As much as I stare into the mirror
Apart of me wishes I could just remove these scars that remained

Laying on the operating table
I wish these eyes never opened to see the light of day
That my mouth would never smile again
And that my heart would skip a beat like it did for your love

As I found life flashing right before eyes
And the wonderful memories that we shared
I wish I could turn back time to the day when we first met

Maybe if I had told you earlier
Then maybe you would have understood things much better
That fear wouldn’t surround your heart so much

I wish you could see that these are just scars
Scars that tell a story of what I went through
That you holding me tight
And having my head on chest doesn’t kill me

That when my head start paining in the winter time
It shows that I am exposing it to the cold weather…I need to keep warm
That’s why I lay my head next to yours with your arms wrapped around me

My heart is empty without you just filled with a lot of scars
That my soul feels damaged that no surgery can repair it

THE AFTERMATH OF AN EXPECTED STORM

Six little eyes
And a million questions surround their little minds
As your absence left them with a lot of unanswered questions

I watch them stare out of window
Hoping to hear your car pull up the driveway
That’s all I ever heard is”Mommy,when is Dad coming back?”

My heart torn into a million pieces
As I stare into their eyes
And my mind turns blank as I try to figure out what should I tell them??

But I simply change the topic immediately

The night falls
And three little souls struggle to fall asleep
I found them laying on couch

Patiently waiting for you to come home

As I found myself wrapping my arms around them
I could hear them weeping for you
And it broke my heart
As I felt like a weak mother

My son stares into my eyes
His heart shattered into pieces
As he could tell that you are not coming home anymore

All the hopes
Dreams
And goals

As I found out that he looked up to you
But we disappointed him
He believes in love

But because you left
And left him with no kind of warning
He doesn’t think it’s worth giving someone a chance to love him

As he counts the number of times that I fought for you
He asked me if it was worth it
Hurting myself again just so that we could be a family again

Tears roll down my face
My heart shattered into pieces
As I realized that I was only one trying my best to make things work

I was afraid of letting you go
Getting hurt and dealing with the kids broken hearts

“I’m really sorry” were the words that came out my mouth
As I felt ashamed of my actions as a mother
I decide to take the blame for every mistake

I realized that it was my fault that you left
The reason why you seeked comfort in the arms of another
Knowing that you will never come back
Or fight for the relationship

It was time to walk away from you
But the hardest part is how??

SHE STILL CARES

A month is a very time nd during that period of time she lost him…Her best friend,motivation and her inspiration. She loved him very much that she pretty much did everything and anything to show him how much she cared…She wasn’t perfect neither was he but he was perfect in her eyes. She never told him how she truly felt so someone else always spoke up for her because she feared pushing him away into the arm’s of another. She open the doors that allowed people to interfere.Each time that he would let her go,she would fight for him because he meant so much to her. He was completely open with her that she felt like she could trust him. He knew her deepest fears and her secrets but he being distant with her nd she felt like a nuisance upon his life. She felt like she always had prove herself to him but the unexpected storm and she didn’t it coming…the day he walked away nd tore her apart. That unconditional love that she once had was no longer conditional anymore…A wise lady once told her to stop fighting for people who didn’t want her in life then she realized that it was better if she walked away. Loving him from a distant nd better. She never hated him because that was once someone she loved nd care about.

REPERCUSSIONS OF MY ACTIONS

Here I am once again

Broken

And filled with pain

Love why me though??

Why do I have to experience this kinda love again??

I found myself being a secret

That no one knew about

Filled with so much pain inside

I just want disappear from the world

To get away from you and everyone else

Tears roll down my face

The pain hurts even more

Knowing the truth

You could never tell me to my face

But I know that you met someone else

I’m not perfect

And I don’t think I want to be

But one thing I know is that the love that I have for you is genuine

I might not have been your first

But I hoped to be your last

Your one and only

iS’thandwa sakho

Khodwa…

You have already made clear you want

And that’s not me….

I am just a nobody

Fooling myself hoping to find somebody

But there’s nobody

As I drown my sorrows away

In a bottle that I borrowed

I just feel like dying inside

All I really became to you

And everyone else is joke

Filled with smoke

I just wish I could fly away from you and everyone else

HEART’S DESIRES

My mind drifts away

And my heart is not intact with my soul

As I think of you

The one that I really love

As I think of what I put you through

I feel like I don’t deserve you

Holding on to the past

I felt like I was hurting you

That the fear of losing you scares me a lot

All I really want is to be with you

You are all that ever wanted

And all I ever needed

It hurts being away from you

That I wish I could be next to you

Seeing you smile and hearing you laugh

Oh,how much I love you

Each time that I see you

I always feel like I’m dreaming

Walking hand and hand

On cloud nine

Being able to see you smile

But you miles away from me

I wish I could hold you

And never let you go

Cupid shot me on the 31st of December 2016

Your little eyes

And most amazing handsome smile

That I couldn’t picture life without you

Your big hairdo

And your beautiful heart

I’ve realized that I have fallen so hard for angel

I know that I messed up

But I don’t regret choosing you

And I would do it all over again for you

My heart belongs to the most amazing angel

With the most beautiful smile

And that person is….

You…

It’s always and forever be you

WHY ME AND WHY NOW

A hopeless soul

That’s who I am now…

Broken inside

But you can’t see my pain

Cause I’m used to pretending to be something I’m not

I bottled up all my emotions

But you can’t tell when I’m pretending

I look into your eyes

And all I see is embarrassment

Have I become a failure that you are ashamed of me??

As my life flashes right before my eyes

I remember laying in that hospital bed

And all I wish is that I died on that operating table

I ask God to take my embarrassing soul away

I remember all the negative words that you said to me

And I wished I ran away so that you never get to see me again

Out in the cold

Is where I belong

As I am not seen as a strong individual

But as an object passed down from one person to the next

Raped and Abused

Yes,it’s a scary world out there

But it seems like I belong out there

Not seen by you

You’ve always pointed out my faults

But never celebrated my success

I tried my best to close the gap by getting love from an outsider

But it didn’t work out

As I found myself staring at the mirror

Facing my fears one by one

I hope that this time around it works out for me

As I finally face the truth…

I realized that nothing that I do will ever be good enough so why bother??…

Why bother having a dream when all you do is kill it with your negative words??

Am I not good enough to live the nice life

Dressed in Versace and Louis Vuitton

Driving BMW’s??

Why bother living when all you want for me is to settle for average when I know I can be better??

Why bother trying my best to make you proud of me when you never see the good in my hard work??

I know that I can live that life

And become something better…

I know that to you dreams may seem like empty tins taking up space

But it’s all us hopeless and broken souls have to becoming better people

It’s all I have….

And what I’ve always had since I’ve been a hopeless broken soul

Yeah,that’s me

So don’t try and force yourself to be proud of me when you know that your heart is not in it

MY TRUE INTENTION

An amazing soul

The one person that I truly fell completely in love with

My love for you is deep and genuine

As I begin to think about our relationship

I realized that I didn’t fall in love with physical appearance

But your appearance within….

I’ve noticed your actions

And I wonder for how long will it all last??

I begin to think of everything between us

And I honestly don’t want you to see me as someone whose in your life for a temporary time

But I would like to be a permanent solution

I don’t want to be the girl that you just past time with…

I want to be your present and future

Text messages,love and loyalty

Are the 3 things I need from you

A text message

To let me know if you okay

Just to hear how much you love me

And how you truly feel about me

Love

We are two people who separated by distance

Words are our way of showing love

We may not always be together

But my heart will always be yours forever more

Loyalty

My handsome hunk

Surrounded by all these beautiful girls

I wanted to know if you would be always be here for me??

As I hold your heart in my hands

I cherish every moment between us

As I ask God to carry us through

And open doors where we can spend time with each other

OLD SET OF MEMORIES

They say that there would be always that time that you would like to change the way we did things
And I felt like that with you

As I begin to think about things
I just wish I could turn back time
And did things differently

I sit in a room
And begin to wonder where did it all you wrong
Maybe I would find a reason to be strong

But I couldn’t…..
Instead I found myself thinking about all the silly conversations that we had

How it was easy to talk about you about anything and everything
Where I’d be able to tickle your funny bone
And your day would be made

You made everyday exciting for me
Because I knew that I could talk to you
And you would understand how I’m feeling

I miss our silly facebook conversations
Because I always look forward to the silly facebook stickers

You made me feel like I could be me
And you wouldn’t judge me

You made flaws seem so beautiful
That it was easy for me to come and talk to you

At that point I felt like a rock
Being strong that I couldn’t be sock puppet

I was able to speak my mind
And you didn’t judge me

Truthfully speaking
I miss the old us…
Where did we go wrong at this point in time??

Everything felt perfect
I thought maybe if I broke down my walls
You would open up to me

But instead each time I try….
I feel like I’m annoying you
Turning into a beast I don’t want you to see

Each time I try
Feels like you shooting me
Telling me to stay away from you

But honestly speaking….
I come in peace
That I’ve surrendered

I’m just trying to get to know the real you
Hoping that you would grant me enough time

As much as I want to fix the time clock
I just want to know that you’ll be there waiting for me
Like you said everyday of every month of every year