The Silence That Spoke Loudly

Your silence clearly has spoken volumes to me
And the unwanted feelings are familiar
I trusted you to not let me down
Or treat me like another number that you wanted to smash
Its not me…
I don’t know what I did to you
Exposing my soul to you
All I ever did was apologize
Even when it was never my fault
I found myself saying it
Knowing very well that I don’t deserve to be treated like this
I walked away
Remained in the back of your mind
In the dark
Where you would not see me
You reach out to me
Brought me to the front where I saw everything
Cheered you on
Knowing that you are truly one of the most amazing talented people I’ve ever met
I found myself believing in you
And your craft
Rewinding to all the wonderful things that I said to you
I smiled to myself
With tears rolling down my face
Realizing that it came from a genuine place
But maybe it’s not enough for you to understand
I try by all means to keep the peace
Choosing you over pride and ego
Wondering would it be enough to comfort you when I’m not physically around for you
Staring into your beautiful eyes
Your face lights up with a smile that warmed my heart
Wondering how you feel about me
I wish I could read your mind
But all I can say is that I’m so sorry if I wasn’t enough for you

Unexpected Responses

Someone asked why did I run away
My response was I had run because there was nothing left here for me
To have my value as a person decreased into nothing
I thought it was better for everyone
Maybe I will find my voice
Then I wouldn’t be kicked to the ground
Covered in dust
Surrounded by open wounds and dark thoughts
Maybe I wouldn’t disregarded
And shown that my opinion means absolutely nothing at all
Apart of me wonders if I opened the gates of heaven
Would things still be the same way?
I would still made really small
And my influence on authority would not even matter
My heart feels like an elastic band
Constantly being stretched out
But for how long
Constantly turning into a shape-shifter
You forgot who took all your bs
I couldn’t point out your mistakes anymore
My silence is enough to show you that I’m good with you
That I’ve had enough
There was only so much I could take from you
But this was the final straw
Now I know how you value me
It’s not the first time that this has happened
But I feel like you to blind to recognize your faults
Respect is clearly not served on this table
So that’s my cue to leave

Who am I to you…

I’m a woman
You see as beautiful young woman
But treat me like a your punching bag
I tried by all means to show you that I’m independent
That I could stand on my own two feet
But you are simply intimated by my choices to succeed
When I speak up
And rise my opinion
You shut me up the only way you know how
We put out appearances
Acting like the perfect couple with no problems
But deep inside we both knew that this is messed up
I wish I could just admit when you’re wrong
Instead you resort to punching me
I’ve become numb by the way you treat me
Choosing to hide my wounds behind piles and piles of unnecessary make-up
I had to go out to the world and be strong
Just like mommy taught me
I was tempted to runaway
But I know that it will be matter of time before you find me
You knew where everyone who meant a lot to me lived
So I didn’t see the point
Thinking about the days when we were still dating
You were really nice to me
Treated me like a queen
I felt like royalty
I begin to wonder if you really loved me
Or was I just trophy to you so that people could congratulate you
Crying in the dark
Where no one could see me
My heart is shattered into a million little pieces knowing that the person I truly care about has turned into a monster

Phenomenal Incredible Woman…

You’re a beautiful woman
Not because of your physical appearance
But because of the beauty that shines within you
They may rate you a 5
But in my eyes you are a 20
I love the way you still find a way to rise from the all the bad situations that have broken your spirit
Your smile is one of the most beautiful things that God has ever created
It’s beautiful how you remain strong even when you are going through a lot of bad things
You are not afraid to love again
To love hard is one of the most amazing things about you
Even if it means loving hard
I love how you never seem to give up
No matter the odds that seem to be against you
In a male dominated industry
You still find a way to rise
And show that you are just as equal as man
Deserve the same benefits as a man
I love that you are not afraid to go down on your knees
And pray to God for everything that your heart desires
To ask him to provide you with the strength to carry on
Even when it’s difficult to at times
I love how you always nice
Even when people disrespect you
Or disregard your feelings
I love how you able to conceive
Carry your beautiful gift from God for 9 months
And bring it into the world despite the pain you have experienced throughout your journey
Then you go out into the world looking a fire bomb
The way your motherly instincts just kick in when these beautiful little souls are not in front of you
You protect them from harms way
Ensuring that they never get hurt
Remember that you are incredible
Strong and Beautiful all day every day
You are rare
And there is no one else that will ever be as gorgeous as you
Shine queen
Take your place on the throne
And shine

The Wrong I Need To Make Right 😔

I wish I could hold you already
The figure of my imagination
Coming into reality
It hurts seeing you walk away
Knowing that I could just run into your arms
But fear stood in my way
It’s weird how my heart yearns for you
My entire body calls your name
For some reason I felt something that I’ve always wanted to feel
My hands feel empty
And cold
Staring at your picture
Tears rolling down my face
I wish I wasn’t so cautious about this pandemic
But I am
My deepest fear is losing you
I don’t think I will ever be able to get through this without you
Maybe I went into this head first
But I’ve always had something for you
Just really scared to act on it
Knowing that you are the guy on a pedestal
You spoke volumes to my heart
Volumes that no one could
I can’t take this feeling of letting you down any more
It hurts me more than it hurts you
I think that’s the reason why you don’t trust easily
As much as u say we are okay
I know that you probably don’t trust me
Letting you down
I know I broke your heart
Almost is never enough
And something is got to give to make things right
I need to find the courage to speak out
To make things right
But where do I start??
Maybe I need to go back to where it all started for you and I
Find the courage to make things right
If this is my last day on earth
Then I would rather spend every single minute with you

The Truth That No One Knows About

I wish she knew the unspoken truth
Maybe she would understand my decisions
Choosing to me first
That I could not stay in the space
And allow myself to be treated like a dumb soul
I need time to process everything
Accept the things I could no longer change
As much as I always found myself in ring dealing with different faces of betrayal
It’s shocking that I still have the heart to be nice
And the strength to keep a smile on face
I was dealing with a lot of things
Realizing that maybe I’m not good enough to make them proud
I’m a human being after all
But don’t think she ever got it
She saw the way they tore me down
But she never said anything
She brushed it off
And chose to look the way
They never had my back
Either way I was still treated like an empty sack
With my back against wall
I couldn’t defend myself against them
So I took the punches
And became a loser in their eyes
I found myself feeling lost
And lonely
Misusing things that were never meant to be played with
But instead I got played back
Carrying those scars with me every day
Thinking that maybe they were right
But no one could see it
My eyes were like glass
At any point in time I can just break down
And let it all out
Maybe by the time you notice it will too late

Validation I stopped seeking for…

My deepest fear is that you see me as a failure
You won’t see me as great
Choosing my dreams over you
I know maybe I haven’t done things your way
But you never gave that safety net to speak up
There were moments where you thought I was stupid
And truth be told I actually believe it
Felt like I was never enough for anyone
I was in dark place at one point
And all I thought about was suicide
Writing so many sucidal notes
Losing so much weight
I found myself having eating disorders
A disorder that had lasting effects on my body
I never had the strength to believe in myself
Thinking that maybe you would notice
And you would give me a couple of words of encouragement
But I got nothing
I thought maybe I wasn’t yours for a second
Cause of the the way things were
Someone once said that I should never apologize for being who I am
But I can’t apologize for choosing who I am
And who I always wanted to be
I tried my best to make you happy
But I found myself hitting my head against a wall
I felt worthless
And hopeless
Thinking that things would change
But it never did
I thought you would take notice
But you just looked the other way like nothing is wrong
I found my peace
My sanity
But to you it turned out to be a waste of time
I thought I could run away from my calling by living your dream
Thinking that maybe you would tell me that you are proud of me
But there was nothing
I was still unhappy
Lacked fulfillment in my life
I was constantly confused
Feeling myself stepping into a place of suicide
But I started writing about how I feel
And I felt at ease
Like I found myself again
Making peace with the fact that I will be enough in your eyes

Unexpected Hope That It Will Be Okay Again

I know that I ruined it
Messed up big time
And there’s no way to come back from this
I’m sorry are just a bunch of empty words with no actions attached to it
Teaching myself how to become be unattached right now
But truth be told it’s more hard to forget about the memories that were caught on tape in my mind
While we still had another bunch of memories to share with each other
But the invisible wall stood in my way
I feared one of us might get infected
Needing that both of us are kept safe until the invisible wall disappears for good
I want to jump in your arms again
But I can’t do it for now
The numbers are increasing
And I don’t either of us to be part of that growing number
I don’t think I’m ready to lose you
At least not yet please
Wishing that you would understand where I am coming from
I long to hear your voice
And to get completely lost in your eyes
You may think that I don’t want to be with you
But I do want to be with you
See you up close and personal
Telling you everything that I’ve left for this moment
To see the reaction of each and every beautiful word
Coming from a beautiful place in my heart
Maybe I might not always tell you that
But it’s true
I want to tell you everything that I’m feeling up close
To see the smile on your face
I think about you a lot more than you’ll ever know
You’ve found a special place in my heart
And constantly speak volumes to my soul
I want to take that leap of faith and jump
Hoping that you will catch me on the other side

Emotions That You Never Expected

I’m not okay emotionally and mentally
Constantly disappointing you
Let you down
I don’t feel like I am good enough for you
Acting strong like this invisible wall doesn’t get to me
Maybe I deserve your silence
Clearly I’ve let you down one to many times
And believe me when I say that it hurts
Knowing that you are not okay
That we’re not okay
Ruining a good friendship before it got to its peak
My heart is shattered realizing that not even I’m sorry or a bunch of red roses will work to fix things
I just want to crawl into a hole
And never come out to see the light of day
Tears rolling down my face
As I begin weeping
Realizing that this hurts more than I thought it would
You broke my walls
And got to the core of my soul
I hate hurting you
Disappointing you
That I find myself ripping myself apart from within
Realizing that my deepest fear is losing you
I don’t want to get attached to you
Knowing that it’s probably too soon
But I find myself falling head first into your ocean that is forbidden
Invisible wall please disappear
I feel your patience running out
Although you may not want admit it
I know that you want to be with me
Just as much as I want to be with you
But I just want to protect you just as much as u protect me
My Version Of Mr Perfect 🌚

Mysterious Work Of Art

Black hair
Thick black eyebrows
Sweet perfect colored lips
Golden Brown Skin representing all the beauty that is within
Flawless facial hair that connects from North to South
A perfect artwork that I studied in the distance for a while
Rewinding to the day I first laid eyes on you
I always thought that you were a figure of my imagination
Searching for you on social media
I stumbled upon this familiar picture
And that smile stood out to me
The mystery man of my dreams
But I felt like I wasn’t good enough to seen in the same room with you
I needed time to clear my head
To build myself up again
Catching me off guard
You said Hi first
And the moment that I was dreaming about finally came true
For a moment I thought I was dreaming
I need someone to pinch me back to reality
The guy that I put on a pedestal is talking to me
I called you handsome on the first day
Never looked back
Getting to know you better
I’m mesmerized by the way you happen this incredibly talented guy
Feeling drawn to your personality, your soul
2020 is leap year
February gave me an extra day
The handsome hunk over the phone stood right in front of me
My images, suggestions turned out to be more than everything I ever dreamt about
I couldn’t find the answers to your questions
Still mesmerized the fact that you are real deal
Feeling like kid in candy store
My entire body is filled with excitement
You have your beautiful strong arms wrapped around me
I’m tempted to react
But truth be told I’m scared of something that might not even be there
My mind begins overthinking
You looked so good
There’s no doubt that you could be single
We have had the most amazing moments of our lives
I want it to be real in your presence
So I hold you and dream about it
Kiss you all over your handsome face just to see your reaction
Give you all the encouragement and reassurance that your heart deserves
The way I believe in you I just want it to be enough
Mr Incredible
You don’t need a cape to be seen as a superhero
My superhero
Knowing that you can’t give me what my heart longs for
But I can fill you up with love, encouragement and happiness
Arguing with you is normal they say
But I know that I am not ready to lose what has always been real to me
Watching you walk away from me
I feel like you left with a piece of me
A rare bright light
Feeling it reflected on my soul
I realized my soul is naked
But the mystery kept me curious that I keep wanting more
You changed my perspective
And words cannot explain how I free I feel at this point in time
With the wind blowing through my hair
I’m inspired by you