Black Curse.

I’m the monster that resides in my head,
Away from the world,
I hide at the back of the auditorium for no one else to see me.
Some say I am kind,
Some say that I sweet,
I admit that I am little bit too much at times,
But I am just human being.
You come into life,
Welcoming you into my space,
Hold my hand,
I’m taking you to art gallery with all of my best pieces hanging out on the wall.
It’s open for everyone to see so go ahead.
Taking a seat in front of me,
I take a moment to stare,
Studying every little detail about you.
I admit that I am sucker for the little things that this generation takes for granted.
He says I like you,
Staring at him with straight face,
I begin to question what actually means by that.
I’m sorry sir but I’m not good with code language so please come out and tell me what you mean.
Hearing you whispering sweet nothings in my ears,
Eyes closed tightly,
Inhaling what life would be like if I said yes.
1,
2,
3,
The walls have fallen off,
Eyes moving around the room slowly,
I have let down my walls and made a path only for you.
Creating a smug on your handsome face,
You glad that I let you in.
Hands completely enclosed on the jar,
Taking a chance to steal a cookie hoping that I would welcome you with open arms.
Pushing your little note on the table on the table away,
Recalling the words of an old lovers friend:
“You are so ugly, you are so blind,
You can cannot even see that your boyfriend is cheating on you”
Apologies but I have to decline the amount on the table.
White powder on the table,
A roll of milky golden brown paper,
I sniffed you in slowly.
Eyes rolled the back of my head,
Blood flowing out of my nose,
Body begins trembling like an unexpected earthquake,
I think I just overdosed on you.
I lost control of the storm and watched you turn cold hearted.
Tubes tide to every part of me,
Doctor says you overdosed on someone who clearly saw you as not enough.

Dying Behind The Glass…

You left during the storm of December 2023,
I went to the bar with my eyes completely red.
Blood shot red,
You would swear that I pulled a serious line of white powder,
And just became so high that I forgot who I am.
Walking in the room,
Every one turns and all eyes on me.
Hearing them whisper amongst themselves,
Some even point and laugh,
A part of me wonders if they know what really happened.
I grab a seat at the bar,
Bartender glaring hard before approaching me with caution.
I yelled “Can I please a bottle of tequila?”
He blantly looks with a straight face and declines.
Giving him a straight dead look,
He turned around to grab the bottle and glass
Placing gently on the bar,
Whispering gently bottoms up.
One,
Two,
Three,
I felt like my throat has been set alight with a box of matches,
Grabbing the bottle and glupping every last drop,
He yells it’s enough, I’m calling you a cab,
Dialing the number of my distant handsome milk and honey lover,
It rings before going to voicemail,
All I hear is please leave a message after the beat.
I told him don’t bother that stranger because he has buried me six feet under,
Ashes to Ashes,
Dust to Dust,
That’s how easy it is for me to become nothing but useless breath of air.
He says I’m sorry that he is gone,
Staring at the tequila,
Tears rolling down my face,
It dawns on me that he really hates me.
Hands completely enclosed on my stomach,
Feeling someone kicking gently,
Caressing them gently.
I begin bawling like a little girl stripped off her favorite doll,
Sprinting out of the bar and on the road.
En route to the hospital,
Silently praying that there is no complications.
Doctor begins drawing blood,
And says relax it will only take a few minutes.
Palms sweating,
Hands shaking,
A part of me wants to call you and say that I need you,
Fear shows up and I’m reminded that I am not enough.
Staring at your number,
Doctor says Congratulations, you are going to be a mom,
Dialling your number by mistake,
You heard everything and ignoring me for days,
Blocking my numbers, texts and requests,
Ashes to Ashes,
Dust to Dust,
I took a chance on my dreams and lost you in the end.

Move On, Randy

I lost the love of my life in the storm of December 2023,
It was a day before New Year’s Eve,
I planned a solo date for myself,
And unexpectedly our paths crossed.
I mean walked passed your house hoping to get glimpse of my forever home,
But God had other plans.
Weeks leading to that very moment you and I had falling out,
I threw the book with my dreams away.
You said that you don’t want to be my friend,
And I was left with million and one questions.
I tried to pin point where I failed,
Went the wrong way and got lost trying to find you.
Spending a lot of time going through every little tape,
Remembering every word said,
Unfortunately WhatsApp lost control of my ship,
Crashed into the open field,
I lost everything with it.
All the memories and chats,
Every single word that was said like a bunch of vows read in front of a priest,
That was my promise to you and God.
Opening the door,
My eyes unexpectedly landed on you,
Heart still broken by what you said,
I lowkey thought you were going to say I’m sorry.
But there was nothing except silence filled the room like a glass of water.
Honoring your invite like a king inviting citizens over for the next ball,
I felt like royalty every time we were together.
Sitting next to you,
I felt my beating like the very first time when I met you.
29/02 /2020,
That was the day that my whole life was changed for the better.
Hands placed gently on my lap and eyes completely locked in front,
Missiles and bombs went off unexpectedly,
I wanted nothing more than to enclose your hand over mine.
You were that outfit designed just for me.
Before you, I hid behind the tall walls,
To afraid that you might actually laugh at me,
Glaring at me hard I thought you would see a monster.
You called me to come over,
I wish you would open your heart towards me,
Stripping naked in front of you.
Waiting for you to caress my scars,
Am I still beautiful and worthy in your eyes?
You looked at me with a straight face,
I thought I was ugly.
Fight or Flight,
Hugging on myself like a little teddy bear,
I request for you to leave the room because I felt completely uncomfortable.
Completely dressed up,
I went in my head begin pondering, what did I do so wrong?
Silence filled the room,
I feel like a clown behind the glass.
We went from rising to crashing like airplane that lost control
Get over him by getting under someone else,
I watched you pull away like an elastic band completely stretched out.
Knocking on the door of your heart,
You heard me call you but chose not respond.
Text messages left on read with two blue ticks
I cannot help the fact that I left my heart with you.
Staring at each piece of art inspired by you,
I smiled with tears rolling down my face.
As I patiently wait for the day that you reach out to me and we could address the elephant in the room.
Days turned into weeks,
Weeks turned into months,
Phone begins buzzing and unexpectedly it’s text from you,
Completely scared to open the door,
Knots showed up on my stomach,
Heart came crashing to the ground,
You told me to walk away and forget about you.
Fighting a losing battle,
Three knocks on my head,
I lost you officially on the 11th February 2024,
Kissing my dreams goodbye,
I buried you and lost myself in the process.
I will never be the same again.

Untitled Piece…

He says I hate you,
I say I love you.
He asks what do you know about love when you are refusing to meet me halfway,
I respond I love you with my heart first before I can love you with my body,
Writing you poems about you,
To you I’m writing about a figure of my imagination,
But only God knows that I’m writing about the man of dreams,
The one who I hold close to my heart,
I see you but you refuse to see me.
You still make me completely weak in the needs,
Red and Black,
Black and white,
Grey and Black,
Either way you still look a dream my eyes.
Laughing at my lines,
Thinking about how is possible for an average girl like me can love a pretty Ken doll like yourself.
You hate it when I call you perfect that I settle for imperfectly perfect.
I mean I know that you want to be inside me,
Windows completely covered by the air of our breaths,
Both of our souls completely unclothed,
Wrapped in sheets and blankets,
We are skin on skin.
Giving me the ride of my life
While moaning your name right at the back of my throat.
I buried my nails on your back,
Marking my territory on your body.
You walked away from me,
I trailed slowly behind you,
He says that you are liar and I cannot stand you.
Cracking his heart,
I respond that I wanted you to like me that is the reason why I lied,
I wanted you to feel completely safe with me like you are with all the others after me,
Laying your head gently on my chest,
I held you close to my chest,
Stroking your beautiful face,
I found my forever home with you.
Throwing all my cards on the table,
Opening my heart like a surgeon during surgery,
Glaring hard into his dark brown magical eyes,
Apologizing for every little mistake,
I started taking accountability for my actions.
Wasted takes and scribble paper started piling up on the ground,
It begin replaying in my head like our favorite song on repeat.
Voice slightly cracking, I said all I really wanted was for you to like me.
I responded that I still love you even though you walked away,
Hanging my head in a pool of regret,
Spending last few months drinking your bottle of Jagermeister,
Losing everything that was once important to me to a black suitcase,
Rough patched skin,
Hearing them all scream stay away from her,
Racing out of my life like it is marathon,
I am the monster that they hated from a distance.

Reminiscing…

I miss you…
I miss those boring weekends that would turn into unexpected adventures within the four walls of your castle,
I wonder what we going to be doing today.
I miss the days when I was completely at ease,
Where the hairs on my back were completely at rest.
I miss the days where one phone would change my entire plans,
Drop everything like it’s a robbery just to get away for sometime on a vacation just to see you smile.
I miss screaming for you,
Solo dates and unexpected photo from you,
Question is does this look great on me?
Responding everything and anything looks great on you.
Watching your eyes light up and that beautiful smile is alive,
I think I found the winning formula to my heart.
I miss the endless conversation that we had,
21 questions,
Peeling each layer of you and falling into the forbidden ocean with no life jacket
Or life guard to save me.
I miss being high,
Inhaling your presence and the person that you are,
Caressing my temple ever so slowly and gently,
Bombs going off underneath my skin as your touch burns through my skin,
Permanently marking my soul.
Exhaling my dark thoughts and trying to enjoy the rest of this time with you.
I miss the days where you thought my love language is quite cheesy,
Mentally flipping the switch,
Pulling out your chair and taking out on a date.
Eyes completely locked on your face,
Studying every little detail about you and imprinting you on paper.
I miss the days where I only used to drink milk and honey combined,
Happiness would be written in 4 letters only,
Eyes completely focused on you and no one else.
I miss the rivalry between you and I,
Manchester United against Manchester City,
Whatever happens after 90+ minutes know that I still love you.
The ref would blow his whistle,
Silence would fill up the room as you would hang your head in defeat,
Wrapping my arms around you, it was just a game,
But you still own my heart.
I miss fight night on the early hours of Sunday morning,
Watching your favorite sport,
Completely lost in my head but seeing you smile,
I did summersaults in my head.
I miss the days where you come home completely lit,
Can you please come over?
Letting down the walls and speaking your mind.
I am finally inside of you.
I miss the days where you were mine to keep in my head,
Truth be told, you and I are too good to be true,
Pulling up the packed driveway with a black suitcase dressed in a black sweatpants and a black uzzi hoodie,
I watched you turn the page without hesitation,
The circle of life is back,
It’s weird how we turned into strangers, then close friends and back to strangers again.
Hanging on for dear life,
I tried fighting for you but I just wasn’t good enough for you.

With Love From A Recovering Addict…

Day something,
And I am in solidarity confinement.
Blank white walls,
And a window with a horrible view.
Electrocuting Fence all over this place,
Unfortunately escaping is not an option for me.
Staring at the blank walls,
Fighting with my thoughts not to go back to the 29th of February 2020.
Curled up in the corner of the room,
Rocking myself back and forth like a weeping baby on a rocking chair,
Pleading with myself not to cry.
Do not cry for someone who clearly sees you as weird,
Do not cry for someone who feels uncomfortable around you,
Eyes closed tightly,
The memory is back when I heard a loud knock on the door.
Sheriff handing me a big brown envelope and requested for my print on a documented note.
Gently open the envelope and it was a restraining order against me.
My love language makes you feel uncomfortable,
I guess I am the green evil monster I imagined in my head.
Pleading with myself again not to cry.
Do not cry for someone who clearly sees you as weird,
Do not cry for someone who feels uncomfortable around you,
I cannot help the fact that I miss you so much.
Weeping loudly like a hungry baby,
All I could ever think is what is wrong with me?
One man’s loss is another man’s treasure,
And truth is that I stopped believing that saying.
Am I anti-man?
Am I against your gender because what I have experienced?
How can I say that I am anti-man when I believe you are allowed to be vulnerable,
Wear your heart on sleeve,
Reveal the black and red hidden within you.
Screaming loudly with white t-shirts that #MensMentalhealthmattertoo on a white plague.
Hearing the Doorknob turning,
Nurses storming in with injections,
Cuffing my hands on the bed as they insert the forget about you drug,
Trying by all means to fight them off because thinking about you keeps me sane.
Back facing the wall,
Looking out the window staring at dark clouded view,
Watching my parents walking slowly with three little souls with them,
Each of them capturing a beautiful image of you,
One nurse begins sedating me to calm down.
Walls begin falling down, and I stop resisting the fight.
Tears rolling down their little faces,
Recalling how you walked out with a black suitcase,
I’m a monster for trying to love you.
I’m a monster that couldn’t be a better mother to them.
I’m a monster to society.
Wishing that you would have chose me.
Owing them with my life,
Realizing that I am here for them,
Hearing a tiny little voice whispering I love you in my ear,
I became sane because of them.
Realizing that despite the fact that I am here they still love me.
Seeing your image in their faces,
Your smile in their smile,
Drawing the line in my mind,
I love you from a distance despite you walking instance,
Without you thinking about the three little hearts left behind.
You walked away and barely thought about what you were leaving behind,
In a blink of eye I’m the girl who loved you even when I was not enough for you and society.

O.D

Vitamin Kyle that turned into comfort place,
My favorite place to stay,
A happy place,
It is just a taste,
Milk and honey powdered vitamin wrapped in all black.
Laid out completely on paper,
Black paper rolled up into a cigarette
Match stick on the left hand,
Lighting up,
Eyes closed tightly,
Inhaling the good feelings that I have been craving for.
Saturday night,
Sky completely grey and gloomy,
One call and I am out on the town.
Painting the street red with one’s I hold close to my heart.
In a room filled strangers,
Music playing loudly,
All black with khaki cap catching my attention unexpectedly,
Dark brown eyes completely locked with mine,
Smile cheerful,
Hypnotizing my mind,
Struggling to find sanity in the mist of this feeling.
Walking towards me slowly,
Introducing me to vitamin K,
Wondering what you the k stands for,
Whispering Kyle in my ear with a smug on his face.
Reaching for my hand,
Feeling something magnetic pulling me,
And I am not the same as I was this morning.
Dj begins playing the music loudly,
Crowd cheering and screaming,
We headed to the middle of the room with our hands intertwined with each other like a wire.
Eyes closed tightly,
Pieces of me begin disappearing one by one,
And I am no longer the same person I was before.
A minute after midnight,
I’m completely slushed at this point,
He says let’s go and continue to party at my house,
Hands still completely intertwined with each other,
Neither of us are ready to let go.
Walking hand in hand to a place he calls home,
Bodies shaking and eyes bloodshot red,
I said I need that fix again to feel happy.
White powder and a black rolled up paper,
Sniffing slowly,
But blood comes gushing down my nose slowly,
He says relax this completely normal.
I’m completely blacked out on his chest,
On cloud nine and made my inner child happy,
Calculating what it would literally feel like if you were mine to keep.

You want but refuse to open your eyes…

You want my love but refuse to see me,
See me for the kind, caring, loving person that I am.
You refuse to accept that I just want to love you.
You want my love but refuse to tell the world about my existence,
Hiding me from society that the only people aware of my existence are the four walls of your castle, the pictures on your mom’s castle and your small circle.
You want my love but refuse to wear your heart on your sleeve with me,
Calling me over like a bootycall whenever you need to feel good.
You want my love but refuse to accept that I genuinely love you,
Trying by all means to get inside me when I am trying to get in your mind.
You want my love but you always feel uncomfortable when I admire you from a distance,
Roles completely reversed,
Singing your praises like a man admiring the girl of dreams.
Cell-phone on standby,
Texting you that you look so good in all black even when you doubt yourself.
You want my love but you refuse to take me home,
Meeting the queen of your heart,
Thanking her for giving birth to an amazing soul like you.
You want my love but refuse to accept me stroking your legs,
Moving slowly every time I stroke you.
You want my love but refuse to accept me,
Undressing my temple,
Revealing my scars and watching you stare,
I’m not sure if you are disgusted or accepting.
You want my love but refuse to accept that I am not ready to go all the way,
Making out with you within the four walls of your castle,
Windows completely fogged up by our breaths.
Hands moving down slowly to my torso,
Fingers climbing underneath my skirt,
Locking eyes completely asking if I comfortable with you inside me.
You want my love but refuse to accept my offer on the table,
Listening my intentions on a blank white canvas,
Asking 21 questions,
But all I got from you is one worded answers.
You want my love but you refuse to accept that a five loves you,
Embarrassed by what society might of you,
Committed to another person when the one you want is right in front of you.
You want my love but the opportunity was never given,
Mentioning that the door was never necessarily closed or open,
As I patiently waited in the waiting room,
Staring at my wrist,
Tick, tock
I’m not sure if it was me or is time moving awful slow,
Watching all of these beautiful girls after me moving in and out of your life,
Staring at mirror right across me,
I begin to wonder if I actually stand a chance for this position.
Palms sweating,
Hands shaking,
Tapping my feet against the wooden floor,
You threw my offer in the bin as the position was given away after everything.

Love Faces…

He says I want you,
I respond I want your mind,
Dressed in all black from head to toe,
Itching hands,
Every single part of me wants to throw your cap on floor,
Stare right into those beautiful dark brown eyes.
Candles burning,
Curtains completely closed,
Seated on your throne as an angel dressed in black,
Hands itching to completely undress you.
Trailing slowly on floor,
One foot behind the other.
Admiring your bare soul in its glory,
He says kiss me,
I responded you should kiss me,
Pull the black slik material off me.
Hands completely clipped on my back,
Zip running down on the floor,
I begin grinning proudly.
Stroking my temple slowly
Toes curling up as your touch feeling like a volcano disrupted.
Eyes completely locked on your eyes,
Imagining what would be like if complete art of you.
Hands completely enclosed together like envelope,
Creating a smug on his pokerface on that milky-way face,
Eyes moving up and down,
He says would you like to dance with me underneath the stars?
Picturing the moment mentally,
Smiling growing on my face,
Eyes completely light up like stars at night.
Wanting nothing more to reside in your mind,
Studying your mind like I’m preparing for a test.
Leading me slowly to the four corners of his castle,
I would like to rest my head close,
As you create a portrait of me with hands and eyes,
Windows completely foggy and both of us are left breathless,
Gagging deeply on your soul,
Gripping on my hair tightly,
Hearing you scream my name loudly,
Contemplating if I should stop or carry on painting you.
Head hanging on the edge of the bed
I just wanted you to have my soul in the end of the storm.

Wish You Didn’t

I wish you did not walk out of that door,
Black suitcase,
With black uzzi hoodie and black sweatpants.
I remember it like yesterday.
Weeks leading to that very moment,
Recalling how you and I had a falling out.
Thinking that maybe we could sit down talk things out like we always do,
Preparing dinner for you every night,
Setting the table,
Doorknob turning slowly,
I patiently waiting for you to say something besides hi.
But silence filled the room loudly,
As you sprinted passed me like Usain Bolt.
Bedroom door closed at the top of the stairs,
Hearing the door locking,
Flipping the coin in the air,
Heads or tails,
Wondering if you still love me or hate me?
I wish you created a safe place to speak my mind,
Illustrating my intentions not just on a blank canvas,
But in person as well.
I guess my heart is dead and gone.
I wish you would have given me a chance,
Stripping my soul down to the core,
Scars completely seen within your naked eyes.
Hands completely covering my eyes,
Wishing you would tell me what is on your mind,
Eyes moving through my body like an artist studying his inspiration.
Head hanging in complete disappointment.
Embarrassed that all you see is the monster that mom says is under your bed.
Hearing me out instead of walking away with disgust tattooed on your face.
Curling up into a cannonball,
Tears speeding down my face like a car running from the police.
Fighting with your expectations and the girl in your dreams.
I wish you did not disqualify me,
Following my game plan to the end,
I just wanted to win your heart which is the important title in the end,
Expecting me to hate you just to feed your ego.
I wish you did not look at me like I’m not enough.
Staring at the dark clear night,
Watching the shooting star bolting in the sky,
I wish you did not see me as an ugly woman who is not perfectly imperfect like everyone else.