The Broken Inner Child

In her eyes I’m not beautiful
Wishing she could trade me in for something new
But that’s impossible
As I found myself unfamiliar
Surrounded by strangers
Injected with anesthetics
But it took a long time to kick in
As I found myself surrounded by strangers
Opening me up
Exposing my soul to a world that barely knew me
Only to have them rip me apart
I feel completely lost and alone
The glass is empty and broken
Questioning everything that they whisper into my ear
As the words turn into empty tins
Seeing right through the can
I found myself staring at broken me
Looking for the approval that I never got
Finding comfort in the arms of a bunch of people who are temporary
Holding on tightly to everything that is normal to me
Wishing that I could be a normal soul
But the picture became unappealing
Feeling empty and saying no to the one thing that they came for
And one by one
They eventually left
I started building strong walls
Rejecting everyone that tries to get to close
But it eventually became exhausting
Perfect picture in the distance
Trying by all means to shut down
But it’s simply impossible
Staring at into the windows that feel like freedom
Holding my guard up
But it took a moment of vulnerability as I watch the walls fall off like a earthquake
Feeling naked
I crossed my fingers that this storyline is different
Hoping that I don’t end up on the roller-coaster ride again
Attaching myself to a place where I feel like I fit in
The door is open to new opportunities
Gazing at the horizon ahead
The tided turns and the wind starts getting colder
Tears rolling down my face
Memories of the roller-coaster ride comes up again
Finding comfort in the darkness
Eyes closed tightly
My grip becomes loose
Scared that I might never be the same again
Red eyes from all the crying
Emotionally exhausted from all the fighting
Fearing watching this movie replay all over again
Wishing the roles would change
Yearning to feel protected the same way
Craving to catch a break from all the fighting
Scared by the past
Hoping that open wounds do not turn into permanent scars
Walking back to my comfort zone
I watch the future unfold right front of me without my control
Burned red eyes
A moment alone is all I need
With a million unanswered questions in my head
Drowning my pain in the glass of temporary happiness
I yearn to be enough

Unspoken Darkness…

Someone once said don’t sit at the table where respect is not served
She found herself where her opinion means absolutely nothing
Constantly respecting people of all ages
But never got any in return
Trying to figure out her existence
And where she’s from
For some reason she felt like she doesn’t belong here
The entire journey is lonely
Constantly needing her to act perfect
As she starts drowning in people’s expectations
Turning her back for a few minutes just to hear the world label her useless and ungrateful
Smiling with people who disliked her within her soul
Expecting her to be perfect all the time
Fighting to be seen as normal soul
Breaking her down
Insecurities are seen by strangers
Losing the energy to fake her so called happiness
Her mistakes plastered on the walls and papers everyone to see
Embarrassing her in front of everyone
Pulling her off the pedestal just to be seen as better person
She’s thrown in a crowd of people
A beautiful black dress ripped into small pieces
Controlled by their anger
Attacking her like wild hungry animals
Leaving her naked
They begin ripping her apart
Tearing her into a million little pieces
Her mind is thrown into the dark
Thoughts getting louder with each scratch on her body
Smooth skin turns into a rough patches with open wounds
Bleeding uncontrollably
The world staring at each other
Wondering
As she laid on the ground with her head facing the sky
Feeling weak, tired, unwanted
A loud thump on my head hits me hard
Eyes closed tightly
Knockout for a lifetime

An Expected Shape Shifter

He have never stopped looking for his queen
Wishing that he could find small clues about her
That would make her seem real and not a figure of his imagination
Eyes closed tightly
He starts reminiscing about the past
Maybe he would find the answers to these unanswered questions
Trying really hard to picture her
But his vision is clouded
Hearing a loud beep sound in his ear
And the memory turns into a flat line
Wishing that he could find a way to resuscitate it
But it’s too late because it’s gone
Respect is thrown out of the window
He found himself in a dark place
Feeling scared and alone
Struggling to find a place where he would find comfort and peace
He moved from one place to another place
Choosing the four walls of a borrowed space
He lived in the shadows of being someone that does not define him
Someone who could never be him
The walls turned into a newspaper
As his embarrassing moments are plastered on the walls
He turned into comedian for a bunch of strangers
Hearing the loud laughs in his ear
Feeling like this big joke behind the glass
His heart knew that he is not wanted
Feeling weak and completely tried out
As they begin treating him like an empty tin
His opinions turned into dumb stupid words
Ripping himself apart
He knew that he isn’t good enough
A loser in their eyes
Confidence at an all time low
Working really hard to get that validation
Watching as time went by on the hourglass
But his hard work turned into a waste of time
Feeling empty and unwanted
Losing himself
He became a withering flower
Disappearing into a white room with a big tube
Filled with water
He drowned into his pain
Escaping from his pain for a lifetime

Darkest Moment…

I have lot on my mind
Overlooking the view of the city
Being the loner that I’ve always been
Trying to find the right words to describe what feeling
Struggling to put the right words together
Deep in head
The thoughts in my head start to become much louder
Facing unexpected realities
Gravity brought me back to ground
Hitting my head hard
I could barely make sound
Bouncing like ball from one soul to the next
Staring at my reflection in the mirror
My internal wounds become exterior
Mad at myself for not being enough for first place
Not expecting any pettiness
Finding myself feeling like I am in the ring
Trying to knock out all my doubts and fears
But they’re got so much stronger with every single negative word in my head
Entering the mind like an invited guests
The trust glass is broken
Like a guitar with no strings
My mind rewinds to the good old days
A happy soul with lot to give
Seeing the good in everyone
Expecting nothing in return
Feeling the rug being pulled out from right under my feet
That’s where I took the hardest knock
Eyes closed tightly
I am not sure if I am ready to deal with the world
Suppressing all my emotions
This became my cycle
Like an earthquake it has serious consequences
Placing everything on mute
I became a puppet
The master became my thoughts
Controlling everything in my life
Working hard to get the validation from the crowd
The circle around me starts becoming smaller as the years went by
Staring at this sash on the ground
The dream of being on the pedestal starts disappearing
Seeing everything that the past call me
Highlighting my flaws
Choosing invisibility then to be seen
I found comfort in the corner knocked out

Pure Intentions…

Sometimes words sound like empty tins
Speaking the loudest volumes
Laying everything on the table
Giving you a box of honesty
Every single word is the truth
What you do it is your choice
Yearning to see you behind the microphone
Hearing you spit the most illest bars
The crowd goes really crazy
Holding you before you walk on stage
Tears rolling down my face
Thinking about all the words that I said to you
My hearts desire is for you to be successful
Cheering on the top of my lungs
My mind rewinds seeing you hustle
Working hard on completing incomplete projects
Writing your lyrics on blank pages
The best bars with the illest rhymes
This is your new normal
Seeing the dustbin in the corner filled up to capacity
Spending long hours in a small confide place
My heart is filled with so much gratitude
Staring at you from a distance
A box of confidence leaves me on a high
Your mindset is truly fire
Supporting you until you say that it is enough
Words of encouragement is all I can say
My glass with so much gratitude that thank you is all I can say
Staring into the windows of your soul
Repeating myself until it sticks with you
Holding your hand through the bad times and the good times
I am not expecting sunny days all day every day
Wanting you more and more everyday
Wishing I could give you beautiful sweet kisses
Gazing at you from a distance
A rare work of art
Staring at you
A shooting star that doesn’t come every year
My dream came true
Words cannot even describe how badly I want you
I am left speechless
The beautiful soul on the pedestal
You’re truly one of God’s finest work

Clown 🤡

Big thick red hair
White powder is mask hiding all this ugly marks
Lips are red hiding all the rough edges that people cannot stand to look at
Fully clothed in big clothes
And my feet started drowning in these oversized shoes
Like my heart in the bottle of gin
Standing behind the red curtains
I can hear them whisper
Turning into a shape shifter
Trying by all means to be perfect
But all of my kindness gets taken for weakness
As I stepped front
In a room filled up to capacity
With the beam bright spotlight shining on me
Feeling a little blind sighted
Losing my balance
I found myself falling on the ground
Everyone begin laughing so hard
The spotlight starts to become a little dim
Someone begins screaming give us more
My ears are speechless
As my mind tries to register this familiar voice in my head
I look around to see who said that
Familiar faces in the front row
My mind begins playing everything single moment of disappointment
Looking at each other them in eyes
I want to do this
Remove the lid that held me back
But the words would not come out of my mouth
Eyes closed tightly
I can already picture all the ears closed
Wishing I could speak my truth
Thrown in the face with rotten banana peel
I turned into a joke
Tempted to run away and in their eyes I would just be a failure in their eyes
Standing still like a mime
But all I get is a cold shoulder
They start throwing papers in my face
Dark thoughts in my head start to get loud
Turning into this big ugly monster that no one could ever see
Invisible to the world
But screaming loud in my head
Feeling attacked from every single angle
Being pushed to ground
I picture myself as a punching bag being knocked out
Struggling to juggle the balls
Feeling something hit me hard
I just smile
Feeling dirty is part of the act
Wishing I had a glass to be my shield
But it didn’t matter because I am loser in their eyes
Giving me a standing ovation
I feel like this isn’t who I am destined to be

The Unknown Battlefield…

A happy soul
Harmless young soul
Forever smiling
That’s who she is
According to her name
Living life to the fullest with endless possibilities
One moment
Her life is flipped upside down like a coin
She stands out in the crowd like a sore thumb
It’s hard to miss her
But she is too young to care
As the eyes that are supposed to love her give her a hard stare
She knows that something is not okay
But the words don’t come out properly
Staring at the journey ahead
Crossing her fingers that it’s not something bad
Watching as the stranger observes her from every angle
Staring hard at his face
She knows what is next
Injected with medication
Eyes closed tightly
She pictures herself as a normal soul without the stares
Seeing herself on a pedestal
She does not want perfection
Fighting for her life
Every day feels like a contend against the punching bag
Trying by all means to show them that she can get through this process
She has opened wounds on her knuckles
Losing the air in her lungs
She finds it hard to breathe
Staring into the reflecting glass surface
In her head
She hopes she’s a 10
But truth be told she looks like a five
Disliked dressing up
Her comfortable place is in a pair of baggy clothes
Taking a leap of faith
She goes out into the universe
Hoping to be seen as beautiful
But she knows that it’s too good to be true
Wearing her heart on her sleeve
Staring at her from a distance
Whispering sweet nothings in her ear
Taking the risk that it might be for keeps
She’s gone with wind head in the clouds
In a small room
Her eyes were completely blindfolded
Unaware of the storm on the horizon
A strom that became a song on repeat
All the signs are highlighted in her head
Building solidarity confirment walls
Falling for each word hook, line and sinker
As she watched herself being used like an object with no emotions
An unexpected feeling of disgust comes up
Patiently waiting for the negative voice to be right
Moving to attractive to unattractive in about 2 seconds
He told her that she’s displeasing to his eyes
As he ran into the bathroom
Ejecting all the content in his stomach in the toilet
Wishing that she could turn back the hands of time
All her hopes and dreams bursting like a bubble
It is all a dream
And her unspoken reality is that she is never enough to be on the pedestal.

The Scariest Storm Of Her Life…

There is a kind soul
Who genuinely cares about my well-being
Surrounded by machines and unknown strangers
She earned my trust
And I knew her name
She has a beautiful soul
The sun is rising from the horizon
And I am going under the microscope
Hoping that she would come and wish me luck
I found myself sitting straight up on my bed
With a needle on my arm
Staring at the door so hard
I patiently wait for her to come through those doors
But she didn’t come
My glass of trust has a small crack
As I found myself attached to her
Watching as these doctors walk through the door
I begin holding on to the iron of the bed
Feeling so fear enter my heart
As I begin thinking about what could possibly go wrong
They begin approaching my bed
Telling me what to expect
I watched their mouths move
But my ears are blocked with negative thoughts
And my mind begins traveling million kilometers away from this world
As I turn my head to the left
I begin thinking about how life would be like if I was a normal child
Trying by all means to remember anything about being a baby
But my mind is blurry and on complete lock down
The crack on the glass starts going further
As the unknown nurses approach my bed
One on either side
As they pushed down the hallways
I feel myself losing grip on the hand that held me
Reality starts kicking me hard
I feel like a stranger in an unknown world
Laying on the bed
I feeling nervous all over my body
Insensible feeling from my head down
As he begin picking up the scalpel
Cutting gently on my skin
My life is no longer the same
Eyes closed tightly I saw him take out my organ
I couldn’t hold myself back anymore
Crying till my eyes turned red
Wishing that my eyes never opened up again
As time went by
I found myself in my room again
Feeling different but in pain
Hiding by the four walls
I couldn’t stand my reflection anymore
Hiding behind the baggy clothing
I did not feel like I am good enough anymore
Walking with my head down
I avoid looking strangers in the eye
Afraid that they might say the word that I depised
Meeting a stranger claiming to love me
But he is using me
Earning my trust
Hoping that the gates will open up
But the lock is much stronger
Staring into my eyes he told me that I am ugly
I feel like my image disgust him
Crawling into my shell
Darkness surround my world
Suppressing my feelings
I just want to hide because it hurt too much.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror
I found myself punching the glass until its broken
Seeing the pieces of glass on the ground
My rage is heightened
Blocking out everything that involves dressing up
In a small room
Placing everything on mute
Open cuts on my arms
Accepting the dark unspoken truth
My silence speaks volumes about the dark place I found myself in
Gasping for air
But it’s too late as my lifeless body laid there in a pool of dark red blood

Underground Fears…

I like you
Just like I like coffee
Strong with a some milk
Even from a distance
You can smell the caffeine
And fall slowly in love with it
Holding this cup close to my lips
I picture it being your lips on mine
Feeling the hot air in my mouth
It feels like the your warm breath down my throat
Wishing I could see your smile
Maybe for a while
I could be happy
Longing so badly to kiss you
Feel your hands all over me
Hoping that you would not just want my body
But my mind and soul
There’s a lot of tension
And a bunch of unspoken words
Staring into your eyes
I tempted to grab you by the neck
And kiss you like there’s no tomorrow
To satisfy my body needs
I need to feel your body
Gaze into your eyes
And kiss you with so passion and fire
But I can’t stop thinking at what cost.
You have given me something that is rare
And that fufills my soul
Wishing you could see yourself through my eyes
Maybe you would understand why I feel the way I do
In the ring fighting all my fears
I lost the battle
Realizing my deepest fear is that I can’t picture life without you
Knowing what it feels like to have someone truly support you when it gets rough
Gives you space even when they don’t know about the demons you’re dealing with
Lists their flaws to thinking that you would look away
But you still see them as an incredible being
I know that I would not be strong enough to seeing you liking or loving someone else
I found myself packing up my unspoken words
And it’s turned out to be truthful unspoken words

Poem Cry

Sometimes she gets emotional
Feeling alone in world where everything feels so unfamiliar
Writing every single dark thought down
Only to have it thrown in her face
Just to amount to nothing
Working so hard to get some kind of validation
But instead it turned into disappointment
Wishing so badly that she could turn back the clock
Suppressing everything that she’s feeling
Watching her body withering
Amounting to nothing but a lifeless soul
Constantly used and abused
Being passed down from one soul to another
Eyes closed tightly
Hoping that maybe someday she would stop breathing
She wouldn’t hear the heart machine make a noise
And the lines would turn flat
Feeling the atmosphere in the room with silence
Her head is filled with darkness
Feeling kidnapped
Every single negative word felt like a curse
As she started to feel like a failure
A failure that became a burden
She tried by all means to find out the truth about who she is
Hitting her head against a strong wall
She’s forced to walk away from it all
With her back against the wall
Wrapped up in bandages with painful memories
Her open wounds are forced close up in due time
Removing herself from the world
Being in her own cubicle felt much safer
The world was never aware of her existence
She never wanted to be seen at all
As days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
Staring at her reflection in the mirror
Wondering she would be accepted by the world
Opening the door
The sun’s lights hits in the face
Sightly blinded
She loses her balance and takes a knock on the ground
Standing up became her way of rising as a queen
Walking out to clear her head
Her head is hanging
Hiding so no one could her
Afraid that they might judge her
But all they did is stare hard
Stare to the point where she feels alone
Walking past a puddle of water she stared at her reflection
And saw nothing wrong
Eyes closed tightly
Wishing that present could have seen her the same way